• Choose a category
• All
• Classic-Fiction

By Root 721 0

being cared for but became afraid of the outcome—intimacy. Now as my husband, he wanted to know the real me and kept praying for what to say and do. He asked me to go to a safe place to stay for a couple of days, where I could read, journal, pray, cry—whatever I needed to do. I initially felt rejection, as if he wanted to get rid of me and not deal with me, but submitted to his request and realized it could be a fruitful time with no distraction. I jour-naled everything God brought to memory about instances of verbal and sexual abuse, my sin, fears, and lies. I remembered many more situations that I had considered innocent or inconsequential. For example, my workplace in high school was full of men who enjoyed perverse jokes, sexual conversations and innuendos, and inappropriate talk about the nude photos they took of women. Also, because they were short on women’s housing at the first college I attended, I lived in the study room of a guys’ dorm. The guys invited me to play strip poker (which I always declined), talked disrespectfully about girls, and would try to manipulate me through compliments.

While still away from my husband and kids, even though I wasn’t at all a “crier,” I sobbed off and on for hours over the pain of abuse and the conviction of my own sin. I caught a glimpse of what the Bible means by being broken before the Lord, but still had a long way to go. In my darkest moment I wrote,

I feel dead, alone in everything right now (wife, mom, friend). I am numb and need you to meet with me and change me, but I’m scared to go forward. I’m stalled because I fear other things instead of you. Lord, please pull me out of the mire of my sin and stubbornness. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Only make me alive if it is in you. I can’t and don’t want to pretend anymore. I don’t want to be dead to you, but dead to myself (sin) instead.

Another journal entry said, “Knowing the truth explains the pain, and is ultimately worth the further pain it causes on the way to freedom in Christ.” God had given me enough faith and hope, even though I didn’t know the future, to trust Him to guide me.

134

More healing came as Mark and I sat many nights just talking and trying to get back our friendship that we had let slip away. We were honest, trying to speak lovingly but sometimes hurting each other with words of bitterness or pain. We kept reminding each other of our covenant and how we didn’t want to just throw away all the years we had been together. When we got stuck, we sought wise counsel, including a few sessions with a Christian counselor, and we followed the counsel. We knew God was big enough to heal us both, but had no idea what that was going to look like. We prayed together, read books and talked about them together, went on date nights to just have fun together, and slowly started to rebuild all aspects of friendship and intimacy.

If you are walking through this process, you might go through times of deep sorrow and righteous anger about the sin against you and the sin you’ve responded with toward others. You might also feel selfish or awkward having so much focus on yourself, or as if you will always keep seeing more and more layers of junk to work through. This should eventually lead to peace, forgiveness, and trust in God’s healing hand. Your spouse might not know how to respond at all, so you need to express what you need from him or her as patiently as possible. Try not to be demanding and be prayerful in your conversations together. Sometimes couples need to have a pastor or biblical counselor walk them through how to respond to each other lovingly. It is a process of building trust and it might feel as if you are starting all over again. When you feel like giving up or it’s too hard, pray for wisdom and push through to the other side of the pain. Be willing to rely on God in new ways. He is faithful!

A Friend in Need

I remember calling a friend and crying. “I can’t do this. It’s too hard and painful. I can’t stop crying and just want it to stop!” She listened, prayed with