Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [74]
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If you don’t know what to say, don’t just fill the space with your own words or leading questions; rather, tell them you are very sorry for their pain and, if they are ready, try to help them find someone trustworthy to get counsel from and get them biblical resources. (Mike Wilkerson’s book Redemption and Justin and Lindsey Holcomb’s book Rid of My Disgrace are excellent.) You could even offer to go with them as a support. Godly church community during this healing process is essential. It is also important to make God the first person to “go to” when you are confused, hurting, lonely, in need of wisdom, whatever your trial, because He knows what you truly need and is faithful to answer. As the book of James says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”a When God gives you that wisdom, don’t allow your fears to keep you from obeying Him.
The process of what theologians call “expiation,” cleansing from the stain of sin on our souls, needs to take place for the victim to feel clean and whole again. Many abuse victims, specifically women, didn’t have fathers who protected them or gave them wisdom about guys. If girls are allowed to date just any boy who shows interest, not given healthy boundaries with them, and not told about the way guys in this world think, girls are bound to get hurt by them, as statistics show. Sadly, I wasn’t given this protection, either, but I also made the choice to have a relationship and sex. I wasn’t honest about the danger I was in because I didn’t have a heart-level relationship with my dad and was ashamed for him to see my sin. While my dad committed the sin of omission—not doing what he should have done to protect me—the guy and I committed the sin of commission, by having sex outside marriage. At first it was voluntary, and later he assaulted me. Both types of sin are hurtful, both physically and emotionally.
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In no way did I deserve to be abused; that was fully the guy’s sin, but I needed to see my initial sin and where it led. It changed the course of my life, took my dignity, my joy, my virginity, and separated me from God and Mark because of the overwhelming shame. My judgment was clouded once I had sex with someone outside a marriage relationship. The abuse made me feel dirty and defiled, and the lie that I had no value became even more believable. This prevented me from getting help and kept Mark from really knowing me because I didn’t allow him to get close. When God peeled back the layers of shame, I could see clearly the death and destruction caused by my sin and the sins against me.
We are all made dirty and defiled through the sins we commit and the sins committed against us. So, how do we “get clean”? Because of Jesus’ death on the cross, if you are a Christian, God sees you not by what you have done or by what has been done to you, but solely by what Jesus has done for you. You are a daughter of Christ, and He already did all the work to make you clean. He takes your shame and filth and replaces it with His grace and righteousness. Isn’t that incredible? And we don’t even do anything to deserve it. You just need to accept Him and believe His promises.
Serving and Protecting Your Children