Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [89]
According to a 2003 Newsweek study, between 15 and 20 percent of couples are living in a sexless marriage—meaning they have sex no more than ten times a year.13 We have spoken to Christian couples who have not had sex for as many as twenty years. This includes pastors and their spouses, because sadly, in Christianity there are consequences for going too far (adultery) but none for not going far enough (abstaining). Even the Puritans understood this fact. In Boston there was a case among the Puritans in which a man was excommunicated because he refused to have sex with his wife for two years.14
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The issue of sexual frequency is a point of pain and contention in many marriages. It is our strong recommendation that if a married couple are going to err, it would be wisest to err on the side of too much rather than too little sex.
In our own marriage, this was a serious issue for many years. I (Mark) have never been clinically diagnosed, but it seems obvious that I’ve had bouts of depression. One of the reasons many other men and I fail to understand when we are depressed is that most books and research on the subject are for women. Both men and women get depressed, but they can express their depression differently.15 Whereas women often feel their depression and become sad, men more commonly act out their depression in behaviors such as being grumpy, irritable, sullen, discouraged, annoyed, mad, withdrawn, cold, and aloof.
Archibald Hart, a clinical psychologist and a leading Christian expert on male depression, lists “testosterone-induced depressions” as the first hidden cause of male depression.16 He explained,
I have seen it mostly in men who have a high sex drive (and therefore high testosterone levels with a need for more frequent sexual outlet than average). When a sexual outlet is denied, and by this I mean a reduced frequency of orgasm, such males become irritable and aggressive and develop a set of behaviors that can best be described as “sulking” or “moodiness.” The male goes silent and withdraws from his partner and acts out his anger in either active or passive ways, depending upon his personality. . . . This unique form of depression sets in fairly quickly whenever sexual activity diminishes. In other men, whose sex drive is not quite as strong, it seems to take longer, but sooner or later depression sets in. . . . Sexual release seems to restore the balance, quietening the testosterone’s tantrum, and thus relieving the depression and anger.17
Men, you may be tempted to use this information in the wrong way. It’s not a weapon to be used to induce your wife to have more sex with you. Don’t try to manipulate her by holding it over her head as a threat, saying you’ll get more depressed if she doesn’t make herself more available to you sexually. Rather, know that the healthier your love life with your wife is, the better you’ll likely feel, so it’s vital that you put in the time and effort to make your sex life the best it can be. Remember, too, that there are many causes for depression, so if you think you may be depressed, the first thing you should consider is a trip to your doctor. I did not seek professional help, and my hope is that if you’re depressed often, you don’t try to solve it yourself.
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As with many things in marriage, communication is key. When I came to the conclusion that the cure for a lot of my moodiness was having more frequent sex with my wife, I simply told her. Yes, it’s that simple. For years, when I would endure depression, I tried to talk to Grace about it. Her natural inclination was to want to have long talks about our feelings toward each other, and I know that connecting with her like this is important. But sometimes