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• Rarely initiate. In a contentious marriage one spouse is always on sexual offense and the other on sexual defense. This means that one person never initiates talk about sex or activities of sex and is continually on the defensive. The other spouse is then forced to always take the sexual initiative, which makes him or her feel controlled and manipulated in addition to neglected and unwanted, which is discouraging.

• Let ourselves go—become undesirable. We can become unattractive or undesirable by failing to bathe, groom, or thoughtfully clothe ourselves. We have spoken to spouses who intentionally gain considerable weight, stop regularly showering, brushing their teeth, and cutting their nails because they were intentionally seeking to repel their spouses sexually. They began wearing pajamas more suited for sledding than lovemaking or changed their clothes into stained sweats and oversized T-shirts.

• Commit sexual sabotage. We can conveniently get out of the habit of going to bed at the same time. Or at bedtime we can pick a fight or present a displeasing attitude that makes it unlikely sex will ensue. If this happens often, you can probably assume it is not a coincidence, but rather an intentional ploy to avoid sex.

• Make our spouses earn sex. We can control and manipulate our spouses with sex. If they do something we want, then we give them sex. If they do not do something we want, or do something we dislike, we punish them by withholding sex. This kind of sexual relationship is more akin to prostitution than marriage. In essence, our spouses have to earn sex and pay for it in some way.

• Share our beds with children and pets. We can allow our children, and even our pets, into our beds. One couple we know had a very unimpressive sex life in large part because their enormous dog slept in their bed under the covers between them. Kids, of course, sometimes have bad dreams and climb into their parents’ bed for comfort, but to regularly allow them equal access with your spouse is not healthful for the kids or the marriage.

• Have separate beds or bedrooms. We can have separate beds, or even separate bedrooms, as is the new trend among wealthy couples building their custom dream homes complete with his-and-hers bedrooms, closets, and showers. Contrary to old television shows like I Love Lucy, where Ricky and Lucy slept in separate beds, a married couple is supposed to sleep in the same bed. Hebrews 13:4 speaks of “the marriage bed” and not “beds.” To be fair, some studies have reported that husbands sleep better when in bed with their wives, whereas wives sleep worse with their husbands, often because of their snoring.18 But a humble servant lover figures out how to have sleeping conditions (temperature, covers, lighting, etc.) that work for both of them, and go in for medical treatment as necessary to stop sounding like a helicopter or a herd of buffalo while sleeping.

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Reasons Why We Are Selfish Lovers

An important question to ask is why we tend to be selfish lovers. While each of these answers may be painful, they merit loving patience and attendance to overcome. Some are simply sins that need to be quickly put to death before they kill the oneness and nakedness without shame that God intends for your marriage. Sometimes identifying these underlying factors can help us deal with the cause of our problems. Some are simply a normal part of life but need to be dealt with nonetheless, or they can lead to selfishness.

• Difficult seasons. Some seasons of life can be difficult ones for normal lovemaking and need to be discussed and navigated lovingly and wisely. For example, if your wife is unable to be intimate because of a difficult pregnancy that has her on bed rest, or one of you is suffering from an injury or illness, then there needs to be compromise and loving understanding to do all you can, knowing that you cannot do all that you would like.

• Secret sins. Sins that have not been confessed to our spouses invariably harm intimacy and oneness. This includes sins of our