Real Marriage_ The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together - Mark Driscoll [92]
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• Sins committed against us in the past. Past sin committed against us— particularly abuse that includes, but is not limited to, sexual abuse— can be a great inhibitor of fully and frequently enjoying sex with our spouses. Is there anything you need to disclose to your spouse and get some professional help to work through?
• Inappropriate sharing with others. Gossip about sexual frustration with our spouses instead of speaking solely with them is a common sin that contributes to sexual denial. While it is not sinful for spouses to speak with someone about their marital and sexual frustrations, you must adhere to some conditions. You must not speak to someone instead of your spouse but only in addition to your spouse; otherwise no progress can be made in the marriage. This person must be someone your spouse agrees is godly and trustworthy enough to discuss intimate life details with. He or she cannot be a relative, as one of the worst things you can do is drag your extended family into your bedroom. The person cannot be someone of the opposite sex, because the risk of at least emotional and spiritual adultery is incredibly high. Have you been discussing your spouse with someone he or she is unaware of, or have you discussed with someone else things you have not discussed with your spouse?
• Fatigue. Exhaustion is a common reason for infrequent lovemaking. While life can indeed be stressful and take all of your energy, it’s vital that we do all we can to save some of ourselves for our spouses. Be willing to try having sex with your spouse at a time when you have better energy, be it the morning, afternoon, or evening. Are there things you’re doing that you can intentionally cut back on to save energy for your husband or wife? Can you step out of your busyness for a while, splash some water on your face, and cuddle up for an hour? Make your sex life a priority and a matter of prayer.
Men, we can also help our wives by serving them, especially if they are working outside the home or have children who can take forever to get down for bed. This may include, if finances permit, a housekeeper or other help to free up some of your wife’s energy. And if your spouse is willing to be together but very tired, you can be the one who does much of the work in lovemaking on those occasions.
• Lack of pleasure. A lack of enjoyment causes some couples not to be intimate often. Sometimes the answer is for the lovers to get better at their craft and for them to relax, help out, and allow themselves to enjoy it. This includes using water-based lubricants to combat dryness, studying sexual anatomy, and researching sexual techniques and positions in nonpornographic resources.19 In other cases medical attention needs to be sought to see if there is a medical or hormonal problem. Yes, it may seem embarrassing, but a humble servant is willing to work through that.
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• Insecurity. Lack of confidence with their bodies explains why some couples do not have sex very often. This is perhaps most often true of wives and can be a very sensitive issue. Our spouses can go a long way toward encouraging us, so ongoing verbal flirtation and affirmation can be a huge help. Furthermore, we can also make an effort to remain in good health, groom ourselves well, and dress ourselves attractively. What is devastating is mean-spirited criticism, backhanded comments, jesting that is not funny, and comparing our spouses to other people, which is the sin of coveting. As we said earlier in the book, our spouses are to be our standards of beauty. All of us have things we would like to change, but culture cannot set our standards of beauty. We need to present ourselves as attractive to our spouses in word, deed, and body. Your spouse will likely be more able to overlook your “flaws” if rather