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—1 CORINTHIANS 6:12

Can we __________?

Having taught the content of this book around the world, we have been asked thousands of sex-related questions.

Before we answer the most common and controversial questions, a bit of preface will be helpful. If you are older, from a highly conservative religious background, live far away from a major city, do not spend much time on the Internet, or do not have cable television, the odds are that you will want to read this chapter while sitting down, with the medics ready on speed dial.

If you are one of those people who do not know that the world has changed sexually, read this chapter not to argue or fight, but rather to learn about how to be a good missionary in this sexualized culture, able to answer people’s questions without blushing. For parents, grandparents, and those in caring professions such as teachers, pastors, ministry leaders, and counselors, this task is all the more urgent.

The questions today are different, and if people don’t get answers from pastors and parents, they will find them in dark, depraved places. The truth is that almost every married couple has a list of questions regarding what they can and cannot do. You likely have a list of those questions too. Some of them will, hopefully, be answered in this book.

In the Bible there was a church in a major city called Corinth. They had many questions about cross-dressing, cohabitation, homosexuality, fornication— which was nicknamed “Corinthianizing”—adultery, and whether or not it was okay for one guy to be sleeping with his stepmother. Corinth was so filled with prostitution that prostitutes were nicknamed “Corinthian girls,” and there was even “spiritual” prostitution, as the local temple of Aphrodite employed as many as one thousand male and female homosexual and heterosexual prostitutes as part of their pagan “ministry.” This was so common that even some Christians in the church were employing prostitutes.a So they wrote a letter to the apostle Paul with a list of their questions, and he responded to them in the letter we know as1 Corinthians.b

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Paul answered their questions, but he also went further. In addition to teaching them what to think, he taught them how to think. In 1 Corinthians 6:12, amid his teaching on sex, Paul said, “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.”

This simple taxonomy is brilliantly helpful because it is simultaneously simple enough to remember and broad enough to apply to every sexual question. In the next two chapters we will ask the following questions in relation to specific sexual questions:

Question 1: Is it lawful? With this question we seek to ascertain whether or not something is in violation of the laws of the government in the culture or the laws of God in Scripture.

Question 2: Is it helpful? With this question we seek to ascertain whether or not something pulls a couple together as one or pushes them apart as two.

If a sex act includes humiliation, degradation, violation of conscience, pain, or harm, then it is not beneficial for the marriage. If a sex act includes one of the six purposes of sex that we established in a previous chapter, then it may be helpful:

1. pleasure

2. children

3. oneness

4. knowledge

5. protection

6. comfort

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Question 3: Is it enslaving? With this question we seek to ascertain whether or not an act could become obsessive, out of control, or addictive in an unhealthy and concerning way—what the Bible calls slavery. When most people think of slavery, they consider only imposed slavery when someone is overtaken against his or her will. But there is another form of slavery that is even more common—chosen slavery. Chosen slavery is when a person freely chooses the slave master that rules over him, controls him, and harms him. The most common forms of chosen slavery are drug abuse, alcohol, gambling, shopping, food, and sex. People addicted to these kinds of things are in fact slaves who have simply chosen