Reality Matters_ 19 Writers Come Clean About the Shows We Can't Stop Watching - Anna David [66]
“Yeah, interesting idea. But I don’t think it’s right for us.”
“How much time do I have left?”
“Three minutes, but—”
“Okay. Wait. I have another idea. Get this. Who’s the biggest celebrity in the world right now?”
“Barack Obama?”
“Okay, but also Michael Jackson. Picture this: Sleepover with Michael Jackson. We take you behind the closed doors of the Neverland Ranch for an inside look at Michael Jackson’s life as you’ve never seen it before.”
“Michael Jackson’s dead.”
“Exactly.”
“Exactly what?”
“That’s our loophole. Think about it: Because he’s dead, he can’t sue us.”
“Yes, but because he’s dead, he can’t be in the show either.”
“I’m one step ahead of you. We rent Neverland Ranch, get a Michael Jackson impersonator, and pretend like we filmed it before he died. It’ll be the biggest television event of the year. In fact, we don’t even need Neverland Ranch. We’ll just sneak into Disneyland when it’s closed. The networks will love it: no budget. Outside of hiring the impersonator. And the kids, of course.”
“Not going to happen.”
“Okay. How about Megan Fox Gets Married?”
“That could work. Tell me more.”
“Okay. The show is, I get married to Megan Fox.”
“And how’s that going to happen?”
“We have a meeting. I pitch her the show. And she does it for the exposure. Think about it, all the spinoffs: The Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie Threesome Hour. Megan Fox Gets Pregnant. Megan Fox Gets Dumped Because She Got Fat and the Kids Won’t Shut the Fuck Up and She Acts Like I Don’t Even Exist Anymore When I’m the Whole Goddamned Reason She’s Even Had Four Seasons on TV. Actually, forget about that last one. I got—”
“Next.”
“Okay. You’ll love this one. You know how everyone’s done those Teen Stars: Where Are They Now shows? Well, we do Elderly Stars: Where Are They Now? Like where are the guys from the Cocoon movies? Or we could do a reunion of the cast of On Golden Pond. Or what’s George Burns doing these days? Is he a mechanic, a bodyguard, a pop star in Japan? People want to know.”
“I think they’re with Michael Jackson. The problem with your ideas is they’re all about famous people. We’re not looking to do celeb-reality anymore. Viewers want to see ordinary people whose lives they can relate to.”
“Okay. That’s why I’ve saved my best idea for last. Still Life with the Normals.”
“What’s that?”
“Let’s see. I just liked the name really. Maybe we take six boring people, and we put them in six different houses. Then we see what happens. No one’s ever done that before.”
“I think I know why. Listen—”
“Not so fast. There’s more to it. We can, um, add a contest to get people to watch every week. A World’s Greatest Introvert Contest. People call in and eliminate the most extroverted person. Or, since they may be introverted themselves, they can text for like forty-five cents. Hello, added revenue stream.”
“None of these are going to work. You asked for five minutes. I gave you five minutes. Now—”
“Okay, fine. Just hear me out. One more thing, and I’m out of your life forever.”
“Last thing. Okay. Meredith, order me a veggie burger with olive tapenade on ciabatta bread, please.”
“Okay. Here’s the thing: why do people watch reality TV?”
“Why?”
“It’s because it’s real. It gives them what they feel is an honest look into other people’s lives and personalities. But it’s not just that. They’re not voyeurs. They’re looking for something. They want to compare their lives to other people’s. They want confirmation that they’ve made the right choices. They want to make sure they’re not missing out on anything. So when they see celebrities who are miserable and supermodels who are crazy and rich people leading empty lives, they think, ‘Thank God I’m not famous or beautiful or rich. I’m happy with me. Just the way I am.’”
“That’s interesting.