Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [155]
It’s important for parents not to take things too personally or to be too hurt by rejection from adolescent girls. Girls’ moodiness and irritability are usually related to problems outside the home, problems with school or friends. It’s okay to have consequences for disrespectful behavior, but it’s good to have a sense of humor and not “make a federal case” out of cranky remarks. Good parents ask their daughters what is wrong when they are particularly temperamental. They may need help.
Janet Reno said recently, “Growing up as a child today in America is even more difficult than raising children.” That thought may help parents stay patient. Another thing that may help is recognizing “hot cognitions.” Parents can learn to catch themselves before they react. For example, the thought that a daughter is selfish can be rethought: All adolescents are self-absorbed. It helps to remember the difference between the deep and surface structure of a daughter’s behavior. When a girl says, “I hate Mom,” it doesn’t necessarily mean that. It can mean: “I’m trying to find out who I am.”
One important reason to stay calm is that calm parents hear more. Low-key, accepting parents are the ones whose children keep talking to them. Later these parents may react by saying, “Here’s what I liked about how you handled that....” I recommend the sandwich technique for giving feedback: Start positive, slip in the criticism or concern and then end positive. For example: “I appreciate your honesty about drinking with your friends. I’m concerned that could be dangerous for you in a variety of ways. I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me. I love you.”
Good communication with teenage daughters encourages rational thought, centered decisions and conscious choices. It includes discussions of options, risks, implications and consequences. Parents can teach their daughters to make choices. They can help them sort out when to negotiate, stand firm and withdraw. They can help them learn what they can and can’t control, how to pick their battles and to fight back. They can teach intelligent resistance.
Good parents model the respect and equality that they want their daughters to experience in the outside world. This takes work. All of us have been socialized to behave in gender-stereotyped ways. Parents must think about what their behavior teaches their daughters. Having a home with true equality between the sexes is an impossible ideal, but it helps girls to see that their parents are working toward this. They will respect the effort.
Many parents worry about rigid sex-typing when their daughters are small. They carefully dress their girls in blue and buy them tractors. That’s okay, but the time to really worry is early adolescence. That’s when the gender roles get set in cement, and that’s when girls need tremendous support in resisting the cultural definitions of femininity.
Parents can help daughters be whole by modeling wholeness. Androgynous parents are the best. Good fathers are nurturing, physically affectionate and involved in the lives of their daughters. Good mothers model self-sufficiency and self-love and are responsive, but not responsible for their family members.
Mothers are likely to have the most difficult time with adolescent girls. Daughters provoke arguments as a way of connecting and distancing at the same time. They want their mothers to recognize their smallest changes and are angry when their mothers don’t validate their every move. They struggle with their love for their mothers and their desire to be different from their mothers. They trust their mothers to put up with their anger and to stand by them when they are unreasonable. This is an enormous compliment, but one that’s hard for most mothers to accept because it’s couched in such hostile terms.
Many feminist mothers are upset by their daughters’ willingness to be sexualized and feminized by the culture. These mothers support the