Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [56]
She returned to school and after much discussion decided to join the photography club. All my work with Jessica was funneled through her desire to be a model. I encouraged her to exercise by noting that models with muscles were popular. As she exercised, she became less depressed and more energetic.
I suggested that models needed self-confidence to cope with all the competition. Jessica agreed and worked on this. She kept a record of three things she was proud of each day. She recorded: “I’m proud I fed the cats, went to school and didn’t yell at Mom.” “I’m proud I washed my hair, turned in my homework and smiled at a girl in my gym class.” Later she bought a counter at Ben Franklin’s and clicked it every time she did the smallest thing that pleased her. This put Jessica on a positive search for what she liked about herself. Also she, not her mother or anyone else, determined what was valuable about her. Her feelings of self-worth were coming from within. Soon Jessica was able to click fifty or sixty times a day. We defined victories as times when she made an effort to accomplish her long-term goals. Jessica began reporting regular victories. She signed up for an aerobics class at the YWCA. She talked to a friend who was also interested in modeling, and they agreed to exchange information about local competitions and shows. She developed a portfolio of pictures of herself.
I encouraged Jessica to write down her thoughts and feelings and to sort out which values of her mother’s she wanted to keep or reject. Gradually Jessica had thoughts that were not simply reactions to Brenda. She discovered the joy of developing her own ideas rather than rebelling against Brenda’s.
One day Jessica said, “I hate it when Mom doesn’t respect my choices. That’s worse than her not loving me.” That led to a discussion of how important her mother’s regard for her really was. She desperately wanted her mother to acknowledge that she was growing up into her own person.
This case was one in which I needed to set aside my own judgments and stay humble. I shared much of Brenda’s antipathy toward modeling, and I generally work to minimize appearance and develop other qualities in my clients. But I needed to trust Jessica to do what was right for her. Jessica’s interest in modeling helped her reenter the world and develop a self.
At our last joint session, Jessica was dressed in a silky green shirt and neon-yellow tights. Her eyes were lively and she talked easily. She had an opportunity to model clothes for a local store. Her grades were just average, but she was proud of her Bs in business math and merchandising.
Brenda said, “I’m not nuts about modeling, but I’m happy that Jess is happy. She doesn’t have to choose something I would choose. I am trying to acknowledge that Jess is growing up and becoming her own person. I want that for her.”
“You need your own life too,” Jessica said.
Brenda nodded. “I’m working on that.”
I quoted the old saying “Velvet chains are the hardest to break.”
SORREL (16) AND FAY
Fay and Sorrel sat in my office late one winter afternoon. A week earlier Sorrel had told Fay that she was a lesbian, and Fay urged her to seek help in understanding what this meant to her life. Mother and daughter both wore jeans, dark sweaters and old hiking boots. I asked Sorrel how she felt about being a lesbian.
“I have known I was different for a long time, but I couldn’t say exactly how. When I was in sixth grade, I imagined kissing cheerleaders and pretty teachers. But I didn’t know any lesbians and I’d heard the word only as a put-down. So even though I was attracted to