Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [57]
She looked at her mother and Fay nodded encouragement to continue. Sorrel exhaled deeply. “I found some old books written by psychologists about homosexuality, but they didn’t help at all. I wanted stories about girls like me that were okay. There was nothing like that. I was happy when k.d. lang announced she was a lesbian. She was talented and pretty, someone I wouldn’t mind knowing.”
Fay said, “Sorrel has always been unique.”
“I made life hell for Mom when I was little and she was married to Howard.” Sorrel laughed. “Howard was a jerk. He tried to control me and make me into a little lady.”
Fay agreed. “Howard wanted her to wear dresses and she refused. He insisted that we teach Sorrel who was boss, and we fought about that. I never have tried to control Sorrel. I have loved her uniqueness and wanted her to be exactly who she is.”
“Mom and Howard divorced when I was seven,” Sorrel said. “I don’t plan on ever living with a man again.”
Fay continued. “Even as an elementary student, Sorrel was different. She spent a lot of time alone reading or sketching. She collected rocks and leaves.”
Sorrel interrupted. “I liked things that humans hadn’t touched. I liked things orderly and regular.”
I asked how other children treated Sorrel. Sorrel answered, “I didn’t have many friends unless you count imaginary ones. I preferred boys to girls. Girls were catty and superficial.”
“I couldn’t protect her,” Fay said. “At least I had the sense to not try and change her. I knew she was fine the way she was. I tried to make our home a safe haven for her.”
Sorrel said, “Junior high was the pits. I felt like I was on a different planet from the other kids. I was the untouchable of my school.”
She looked at Fay and said softly, “Mom doesn’t like to hear this, but I thought some about killing myself. I didn’t fit anywhere. I didn’t dare admit even to myself why I was different.”
Fay winced at the mention of suicide, but she held her peace and let Sorrel continue with her story.
“I survived by living in my own world. The real world was too hostile so I made new ones. I drew lots of fantasy pictures.”
Fay beamed. “Sorrel had her own vision of the world.”
Sorrel said, “Drawing saved me.”
I asked Sorrel how I could help.
“I need to meet other lesbians. I need to know that I’m not the only one. I want to read more about girls like me.”
We talked about the local Women’s Resource Center and a nearby women’s bookstore. I told her about the gay/lesbian support group for teenagers.
Fay reminded us that Sorrel was different in many ways besides her sexual orientation. She was more self-sufficient that other girls. She had acute sensibilities, sometimes so acute Fay worried they would destroy her.
Sorrel said, “I want to compliment Mom on her support. She’s stood by me through all my weirdness.”
Fay smiled. “I have tried to teach her that intelligent resistance is a good thing. Sorrel has wonderful things to offer the world, and I’ve tried to protect her gifts. As a girl, I was fearful. I wanted to fit in and be popular. I lost a lot by being such a conformist. As an adult, I have spent years sorting out the mess I became in high school. I was determined to help Sorrel resist.”
Sorrel didn’t fit into our cultural categories for young women. She belonged to an invisible population: lesbian adolescents. Particularly in junior high, she had suffered for the sin of being different. Luckily Fay possessed an uncommon ability to give her daughter unconditional love. She accepted Sorrel as she was and valued her daughter when others didn’t. She resisted the temptation to urge Sorrel to conform and fit in. She made their own home a safe house.
WHITNEY (16) AND EVELYN
Whitney and Evelyn resembled each other with their blond hair and round freckled faces, but stylistically they were different. Whitney was relaxed and wholesome-looking in jeans and a turtleneck sweater, while Evelyn was dressed in an elegant suit with matching shoes. Clearly Evelyn had been a knockout when she was younger, and she