Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [61]
Supportive fathers had daughters with high self-esteem and a sense of well-being. These girls were more apt to like men, to feel confident in relationships with the opposite sex and to predict their own future happiness. They described fathers as fun, deeply involved and companionable.
In my study, the majority of fathers fell in the distant relationship category. They may have wanted relationships, but they didn’t have the skills. Girls with distant fathers said they liked the income their fathers brought home, but they appreciated little else. Besides being the breadwinner, often the father had only one other role: rule enforcer. Distant fathers were generally perceived as more rigid than mothers, less understanding and less willing to listen. As one girl put it, “If Dad moved out, we’d be poorer, but there’d be more peace around here.”
These distant fathers were often well-meaning but inept. They were likely to work long hours outside the home and have less time and energy for the hard work of connecting with adolescents. Distant fathers didn’t know how to stay emotionally involved with their complicated teenage daughters. They hadn’t learned to maneuver the intricacies of relationships with empathy, flexibility, patience and negotiation. They had counted on women to do this for them.
Some distant fathers had more than a skill or time deficit. Because of their socialization to the male role, they did not value the qualities necessary to stay in close long-term relationships. They labeled nurturing and empathizing as wimpy behavior and related to their daughters in cold, mechanical ways.
The third category was the emotionally, physically or sexually abusive father. These were the fathers who called their daughters names, who ridiculed and shamed them for mistakes and who physically hurt or molested their daughters.
Katie’s father was a supportive father. However, because of his illness, Katie had taken too much responsibility for him. Holly’s father lacked the skills necessary to help his daughter. Dale was well-meaning but distant. Klara’s father also fell into the distant category. He was a rigidly sex-typed father who imposed his definitions of femaleness on his daughter. These fathers all played important roles in the lives of their daughters, for good or ill.
KATIE (16) AND PETE
Pete was a single parent whose wife had died in a car accident when Katie was three. An invalid, homebound with muscular dystrophy, Pete managed to support himself and Katie with a computer consulting business.
When Katie was in high school, he insisted she come to therapy. He was concerned that she was letting her love for him keep her from living her own life. Katie came in under duress, claiming that she could share all her thoughts and feelings with Pete.
Katie was so loving and insightful that she seemed too good to be true. Unlike most teenagers, she had a sense that her work was important to others. She took care of Pete, worked at a nearby drugstore and studied. Time after time she managed to make good decisions about a life filled with problems.
I asked about her relationship to Pete. “He’s always trusted me. When I have a problem, he insists I figure it out for myself. He says that I’ll make the right decision. We can talk about everything: sex, boys, drugs, menstruation, you name it. He’s the best listener in the world.”
I asked her if she missed having a mother. “I don’t remember my mother. Of course I wish she were with us, but I’m happier than most of my friends. I have more of a father than anyone I know.”
Only when I asked about Pete’s health did her tone change. Her face darkened and she said softly, “He’s getting worse and I hate to leave him for long.