Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [62]
While she detailed his health problems and his poor prognosis, I listened. Her voice was clear and firm but filled with pain. She had thought a great deal about what she wanted to give to Pete, but less about what she needed to keep for herself. I worried that she had few other relationships to sustain her when her father died. I wanted to be careful and not fix what wasn’t broken, but on the other hand, Katie needed to think more about her own life. Pete was right—she needed more friends and more fun.
I shared my thoughts with her at the end of the session. Katie said, “Dad is so great that I don’t miss friends. I know that sounds weird, but I like my life just like it is.”
I wanted to meet this great dad, so I drove to their small suburban home one Saturday afternoon. Pete lay on a daybed covered with quilts and three Siamese cats. Nearby were his computer and telephone. He was thin and frail with a big smile and an outgoing manner.
Pete and Katie joked about my black coat and the white cat hairs. We talked about the ice storm that had frozen our city over the weekend and Katie’s skills as a cook. No one seemed eager to broach the topic of Pete’s health.
I complimented Pete on the wonderful job he had done raising Katie. He laughed. “She raised me. She’s tons more mature than I am.”
I agreed with him that Katie was mature, but I noted that she needed more social life. I thought to myself she needed friendships and Saturday-night dates. I suspected that some of her reluctance came from worry about her father, but some probably stemmed from ordinary teenage social anxiety.
Pete said, “Usually I respect Katie’s judgment, but she needs to look at herself in this area. She’s more comfortable with me than she is with kids her age. She hates to fail and she knows she can succeed with me.”
I offered to be Katie’s “social-life consultant,” and she agreed to come in for a while. But I could tell she was humoring us. I changed the subject. “How will things go when Katie graduates from high school?”
Pete and Katie exchanged looks and Pete laughed. “We have a big difference of opinion there. We have my wife’s insurance money. Katie can go to school anywhere she wants. She can get into Harvard, Yale, her grades are first-rate.”
Katie interrupted, “I want to go here.”
Pete continued, “Katie has things all planned out. She wants to live at home and care for her sick old pa. I won’t let her do that.”
“You’ve never told me what to do and you can’t start now,” Katie said.
We all laughed.
But then Katie’s eyes filled with tears and she said, “You are all the family I’ve got and I won’t leave you. I couldn’t enjoy being anywhere else. I’m not staying to take care of you. I’m staying because I want to. ”
Pete shook his head no.
“I’ll live in the dorms if I can come home every day for a visit.”
“What do you think I’ll be doing?” Pete joked. “Snorting coke, losing my money in crap games?”
Katie stood up for her position. “I think you’ll be doing what you do now and you need my help to do it. You can hire someone for some things, like shopping and cleaning, but I’m going to visit daily and that’s that.”
“You’ve raised a stubborn daughter,” I said. “I suggest you accept Katie’s offer. It’s not unhealthy or wrong for families to stick together.”
Pete said, “I don’t have any choice. I don’t think Katie will start taking orders now.”
Katie wouldn’t take orders, but I sensed that she was healthy enough to respond to conversation and encouragement. I knew that at some level she was aware that she was hiding from peers. On the other hand, I admired the closeness of Pete and Katie and was determined not to pathologize a loving relationship. I said, “There are many ways to compromise. Katie could perhaps study abroad one year or attend an out-of-state school for a summer session. We can talk about this when she comes to my office.”
“I think Katie will do what she wants.” He smiled at her. “She’s my cross to bear.”
HOLLY (14) AND DALE
Holly’s mother had fallen in love with a neighbor and slipped