Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [75]
They did all the things couples do to save their marriages. They saw a therapist, tried communication exercises, read self-help books and went on dates and a second honeymoon. But the spark was gone. Without ever really arguing, they were ready to call it quits.
Now they wanted help divorcing. Both of them loved Jasmin and wanted to keep the divorce from damaging her. They weren’t sure what to tell her about the divorce or how to handle living arrangements and money. I suggested that together they give Jasmin a brief but honest account of why they were divorcing. I encouraged them to make it clear that they both loved her and would keep on caring for her. Also, I recommended that they keep Jasmin’s life as routine as possible. Then I asked to see Jasmin.
Jasmin was small and blonde like her mother, talkative like her father. When I first met her she’d known the news for three days. She had been stunned by their announcement. I asked how she felt when her parents told her the news. Jasmin said, “At first I thought it was a joke. Then when I caught on they were serious, I wouldn’t even listen to them. I put my hands over my ears and ran out of the room.”
She looked out my window. “I still think they’ll get back together. This is just a phase they are going through—what do you call it? Middle-age crisis. But in the meantime, they shouldn’t do this. They don’t even fight. We have fun together.”
I asked her if she’d told her friends yet. She nodded her head yes. “I told my best friend.”
She told me, “She’s trying to understand, but she can’t. I got mad at her yesterday because I was jealous. She has a family and I don’t.
“I haven’t told any other kids, but word gets around quick. Dad moved out yesterday and there was a U-Haul truck parked in our driveway.”
Jasmin had all the usual worries: Where would she live? Would she see both her parents? Would there be enough money? Would she be forced to choose?
She said, “I thought divorce was what happened to other families—you know, families where the dad drank or beat the kids. I can’t believe my parents would do it. Just last week Dad brought roses home to Mom.”
I recommended she attend a divorce group for teenagers and she agreed. We talked about what else she could do to deal with her feelings. Jasmin said, “The main thing that helps is my cat. I lie on my bed with Orange and listen to music. I tell her everything.”
After the initial visit, I alternated sessions between Jasmin and her parents. I talked to Joe and Georgeanne about living arrangements and joint custody. They were both struggling with their own issues but remained committed to helping Jasmin through it all. Joe found an apartment in the neighborhood so that Jasmin could walk between homes and so that her friends and school were handy.
For more fractious couples, joint custody doesn’t work. All the issues that sabotaged a marriage also sabotage joint custody. In worst-case scenarios, families with joint custody can get trapped in years of limbo, with parents neither together nor apart and children torn into pieces by the fighting.
But Joe and Georgeanne were low-key and rational and they could agree on basic issues. They could communicate about Jasmin without fighting. They did have some differences about rules and expectations, but that was to be expected. Jasmin could learn to behave differently in different houses. What was important was that the parents not criticize or second-guess each other.
Both felt okay about their time with Jasmin. They tried to make it as ordinary as possible. Jasmin had chores, schoolwork, orthodontist’s appointments and outings with both parents. Money was tight, but money had never been a big deal to this family. They all knew how to have fun without spending a lot. Joe and Jasmin hiked and played sand volleyball. Georgeanne took Jasmin to art galleries and