Reviving Ophelia - Mary Bray Pipher [76]
Like all adults, Joe and Georgeanne were needy after the divorce. Georgeanne spent six months on antidepressants. Joe got so lonely in his apartment that he thought he’d go crazy. But somehow they managed to keep their own pain from interfering too much with their parenting. Both of them were grown-ups in the truest sense of the word.
I saw Jasmin once a month for the first year. In addition, she attended a support group. The kids helped each other talk about feelings and cheered each other on through the tough times. She also had her true friend and her beloved Orange.
At our last session we talked about the year. Jasmin looked relaxed and vibrant as she talked, very different from the shaken and shocked girl of a year ago. I admired the way Joe and Georgeanne had stayed emotionally committed to Jasmin.
Jasmin liked her living arrangements. At her mom’s, her bedroom was old-fashioned and filled with mementos from the past. Her bedroom at her dad’s was Art Deco with built-in bookcases. She had a carrying case for Orange and took her to both homes. She said, “Wherever I go, Orange goes.”
Still she nurtured a small hope that her parents would get back together. She was sad about the divorce, but no longer mad. She said, “They tried to make it work and they couldn’t. I know my parents are just people and make mistakes like everyone else.”
She acknowledged that both her parents seemed happier. “Mom’s more outgoing now that Dad’s not around. She’s stronger than I thought she was.”
She wrinkled up her face. “Dad’s dating someone. I’m not ready for that, and I try to avoid her.”
She was pleased that her parents got along fine. They both attended her events. Jasmin put it this way: “They like to get together and brag about me. They love me and that gives them a bond.”
One of the things that helps saplings survive the hurricane is the root system. With divorce, the root system splits apart. Girls are oftentimes unsupported, at least temporarily. They face the strong winds without the support of a home base, and they are at risk of blowing over.
Still, divorce is not always avoidable and it’s not always a mistake. Parents and girls have some control over the effects of divorce. Girls are likely to do well if they come from families in which the parents have a working relationship, in which the girl feels loved by both parents and in which the family is not economically depressed. Girls do better if they are neither manipulated nor allowed to manipulate, if they have adequate supervision and a safe environment.
Jasmin is a good example of a girl whose parents handled things well. Julia had a tougher time because of all the step-family issues and the emotional loss of her father. Amy, whose parents are bitterly feuding, had the hardest time. Myra learned that her mother is a person with a life independent of Myra’s. In the years following the divorce, she became responsible for herself. Divorce, like all experiences that are properly handled, can be an opportunity for growth.
Chapter 8
WITHIN THE HURRICANE—DEPRESSION
MONICA (15)
Monica was brought to my office by her kindhearted and slightly out-of-touch parents. Born when her mother was approaching menopause, Monica was an only child. Her parents were concerned about her lack of friends and her depression. Her dad thought Monica had no friends because, with her IQ of 165, she was too smart for other kids. Mom thought it was because their family was different. The parents were both professors, bookworms and political radicals. Monica hadn’t been exposed to many common childhood experiences, such as television, Disneyland, camping or sports.
Her mother laughed. “We’re an odd family. We talk about philosophy and science at dinner. We know more about chaos theory than we do about movie stars.”
Monica said flatly, “It’s my looks. I’m a pimply whale.”
Monica’s parents were eager to turn her over to someone younger and more knowledgeable about teens. I agreed to meet with Monica and discuss “peer relations.” Monica wasn’t optimistic, but she was desperate.