Second Chance - Jane Green [62]
As for fear, it doesn’t come naturally to me – I tend to rush in guns a’ blazing–but I can relate to the fear of our own mortality. Somehow we are not supposed to lose people we love – we’re too young. I remember friends of my parents dying when I was a child, but even though I am now the same age as they were, I don’t feel old enough to lose people, and if people I love can die in a flash, then so can I.
So clichéd to say that when someone dies, it forces you to re-examine everything about your life, and I’m not sure I’m ready to re-examine it all now (I think I may not like what I find… joke!), but it does definitely make me aware that my time here is finite, and there are still things I want to do, to achieve, still so much about my life that hasn’t turned out to be the way I expected.
Or perhaps this is just a mid-life crisis?
So… sigh… (gabbling again)… the point is, I think, that you are entitled to feel exactly what you’re feeling. Tom’s death has forced all of us to re-evaluate, and perhaps in your case you are having to step into a role that you weren’t prepared for. BUT – and so important for you to hear this, Will – it’s a role I know you can do. I have such wonderful memories of you when we were younger – you were always so sweet and so caring even when you were, as usual, getting into trouble (of course, I didn’t know then you had a crush on me and, admittedly, perhaps I am being naive. Perhaps you were actually a monster who did a very good line in pulling his big brother’s friends…). I think this is going to be such a difficult time for all of you, but you can get through it, and just as you said yourself at the memorial service, Tom wouldn’t have wanted you all to give up your lives. Tom’s probably looking down on each of us now, shaking his head, sighing and saying, ‘Pull your finger out, you silly arse.’ (Can’t you just hear him now??!!!)
I’m also so glad you felt able to write as honestly as you did, and so eloquently as well – who knew the annoying little brother would grow up to be so emotionally aware? Seriously, though, much kudos to you for being able to express yourself in this way – I think if there is any outlet at all for the kind of grief you must be feeling, the kind of grief we are all feeling, writing is probably one of the best.
And I’m sure you know this, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this, but you can absolutely trust me. Strange, I know, given we haven’t seen each other properly in about twenty years, but I would love to become friends, and mostly would love to be there for you if ever you need to talk.
Holly x
Friends. They can be friends, can’t they? Naturally she can’t deny a slight hint of attraction, but weren’t all her old friendships with men based on a hint of attraction? Didn’t those crushes almost always disappear, leaving in their place friendships that were fun and strong and solid?
And Holly has been so lonely. She never thought it was possible to be this lonely in a relationship. But until rediscovering friendships with these old friends, she hadn’t thought about what she was missing.
But aside from Olivia, Saffron and Paul, who better to be friends with now than Will? Not a replacement for Tom, never a replacement for Tom, but someone else who loved Tom as much as she did, someone else who has a shared history with her, someone else perhaps she could talk to.
For Holly misses having a man to talk to. She and Marcus have become, she realizes with horror, the couple she has always pitied in restaurants. The couple who look bored to be with each other, who spend the evening eating a delicious meal and exchanging less than a handful of comments.