Second Chance - Jane Green [63]
For the last year, Holly has tried very hard to talk to Marcus. She has even – and, oh God, how like a teenager she felt – made a list of subjects to talk about over dinner just to ensure they don’t sit in silence.
She stores up stories about the children and about her work, but she tails off when she realizes Marcus isn’t paying much attention. So unlike her dinners with Tom, the two of them talking so quickly because there never seemed to be enough time to say everything they wanted to say.
She remembers one time when they went for a Chinese meal in Queensway. Out of nowhere Tom brought up her time as a nightclub hostess, complete with fake French accent, in a smart French club in a basement in Piccadilly. Holly started laughing, and something about the night sent the laughter spinning out of control, both Tom and Holly laughing so hard they were leaning over the table clutching their stomachs, tears running down their faces. People at the neighbouring tables had started laughing too, just at the sight of Tom and Holly together.
Has Marcus ever made Holly laugh like that? Well, yes. In truth there are a couple of times he has. But they seem so very long ago, a lifetime ago. Holly can’t remember the last time they really laughed together, just the two of them, nor the last time they even had fun.
‘One person can’t give you everything,’ she said to Saffron just the other night when Saffron phoned her from LA to bemoan the fact that P, who was supposed to be coming over, had just cancelled, and she wished he’d just hurry up and realize they were soulmates, made for each other, perfect together.
So odd, Holly thought in the beginning, to have fallen straight back into these friendships as if no time had gone by at all, and perhaps more odd that it wasn’t odd, but so normal, and so easy.
‘You must think I’m mad,’ Saffron sniffed dramatically, ‘phoning you when I hadn’t spoken to you for about twenty years before Tom died, but Holly, you’re the only girlfriend I have who is happily-ish married, and I need your advice.’
‘Happily-ish?’ Holly laughed. ‘I’m the very last person you should be coming to for advice. Plus I don’t believe in that whole soulmate theory.’
‘Probably because you haven’t met him yet,’ Saffron said. ‘Oh God, Holly, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that to come out the way it sounded, and maybe Marcus is the one.’
‘Don’t worry.’ Holly chose to ignore it. ‘But I really don’t believe there’s one perfect person, I think there are any number of people who could make you happy. And I also think it’s completely unrealistic to place so many expectations on one person. No one person can fulfil all your needs.’ And as she said it, she thought about Will. It is innocent, she thought. It’s just having a man she can talk to, a man with whom she can be friends.
‘I know that,’ Saffron said. ‘I do, really, but I love this man. I just never expected life to be this hard.’
Me neither, Holly thought, but she didn’t say anything at all.
Chapter Thirteen
To: Holly
From: Will
30/11/06 10:23:38 PM
Subject: Friends
Dear Holly,
I liked getting your email. It made me smile, and it made me think. All the things you said about questioning your life are absolutely right. I hadn’t thought of it as a mid-life crisis – in fact, I don’t feel old enough to actually be having a mid-life crisis, but I started to think about what would happen if I were to die tomorrow (more apologies for the morbidity), and I realize I wouldn’t leave much behind.
Tom had created so much. Scary Sarah. She may not be entirely my cup of tea either, but there is no doubt in my mind that they loved each other, and although I couldn’t ever imagine myself with anyone that rigid, I know it worked for Tom, and I believe that, despite what we all thought, they had an exceptionally strong marriage.
And of course the children. Dustin and Violet. Dustin like a little Tom, serious