Second Chance - Jane Green [71]
‘But that’s ridiculous that there’s nothing else for you to do. You could be out with friends, having fun. You could be going to the movies, having a drink. Something. Anything. Just engaging in life.’ He is horrified and making no effort to hide it.
‘Okay,’ Will says. ‘I’m throwing down the gauntlet. I’m going out on Friday night with some friends to see a band. It’s very casual, just live music at a bar. If Marcus isn’t around, I want you to come. Just do it. Say yes. Get a babysitter and come.’
‘I can’t.’ Holly shakes her head, but even as she shakes her head she knows she can. She knows she will.
‘Why not? I bet Marcus will be working and, think, you have a choice of going to bed at eight o’clock or having a fun night with interesting people, doing something different, something that might make you grow as a person.’ Will sighs. ‘I just hate this concept, this belief that so many married people seem to buy into that if you’re married you have to behave a certain way; your world has to revolve around the children; it has to shrink and shrink until there’s almost nothing left of who you used to be before you had kids. I have tons of married friends,’ Will continues. ‘And what they all have in common is that they still retain a really strong sense of who they are. They still go out drinking, still have fun, still retain enough of their identity that they never feel as if a part of them died when they walked down the aisle.’
‘God!’ Holly sucks in a sharp intake of breath. ‘That is exactly how I felt when I walked down the aisle. I’ve never even realized it before now.’
‘See? And here’s your chance to change. Go on. Say you’ll come. I’d love you to meet my friends and I think you’ll enjoy them. Will you?’
‘Okay.’ Holly leans back and relaxes. ‘I’ll come,’ and as the thought What am I doing? enters her head, she shouts it back down.
I’m not going to think about this, she tells herself. I’m just going to be in the moment and see what happens.
In a quiet restaurant in Highgate Village, Paul and Anna sit in a corner, nursing their wine, trying to find the words.
‘I’m so sorry, Anna,’ Paul says again as he puts his arm around her and pulls her close for a hug. ‘I’m just so sorry.’
‘We can try again, no?’ Anna looks up at Paul hopefully, but she already knows the answer.
‘I just don’t see how we can,’ Paul says. ‘I know we both want a baby more than anything, but I just think that physically and emotionally this is going to destroy us. I don’t know how many times we can continue to go through it. And the financial burden is just so big. We need to start building our savings again, putting aside money for a rainy day, not to mention the barn that we’re not even using because we haven’t put a penny into it. I think…’ He pauses. ‘I don’t know if you’re ready to find out about this yet, but I think that now might be the time for us to start investigating adoption.’
Anna sighs as a tear drips onto the table. ‘I did not honestly believe this would happen,’ she whispers. ‘I just kept thinking that the next time it would happen, the next time I would get pregnant. I still cannot believe it. I know we’ve always said we would look at adoption, but it’s so final. Adoption means I have failed. We have failed. Adoption means we’ve admitted that this is it. No more Clomid, no more Synarel, no more injections. And no more hope. I just do not know how I can bear it, how I can accept it.’
‘I know,’ Paul says. ‘I feel the same way. And perhaps at some point in the future we can revisit IVF, but even if you’re not ready to actually start whatever the adoption process is, I feel like we’ve reached a time when we have to explore it, have to find out what it involves. Maybe that will help us, help us see