Sellevision - Augusten Burroughs [12]
Inside the store, Peggy Jean was selecting a calcium supplement with iron, because a commercial she saw the other night warned of the dangers women face as they mature, namely osteoporosis and bone loss. After choosing a supplement, Peggy Jean paused in the aisle and wondered if perhaps there was something homeopathic she could try in order to clear up her possible estrogen/superfluous hair condition. Recently she’d read an article that said a lot of Hollywood celebrities swore by homeopathic remedies.
Although the names were completely technical and unhelpful, she saw that each of the boxes displayed a visual illustration of what the remedy was for. One of the boxes featured a head with lightning bolts coming out of it: headache. Another box showed the lower back with jagged marks zigzagging across it: lower back pain. Then Peggy Jean saw a box with an illustration depicting a uterus, fallopian tubes, and two ovaries: female troubles.
She took this box off the shelf and headed for the checkout counter. A new issue of Soap Opera Digest was displayed on a rack next to the register, so Peggy Jean placed this on the counter along with her other purchases.
Ever since high school, she’d been a die-hard Guiding Light fan. Peggy Jean felt that Guiding Light had a wonderful spiritual subtext, unlike The Young and The Restless, which was just smut.
“Shoot!” Peggy Jean cried as her husband pulled out of the parking lot. “I forgot the Spray ’N’ Wash.”
L
aurie Greenberg, of Greenberg, Kirshenbaum & Partners, enjoyed being a talent agent, especially when she had good news for one of her clients. And she had good news for Max. The E-Z Shop Channel was looking for a new host.
“It would mean leaving Philly and moving to Florida,” she told him.
“I have no problem with that,” he replied. “What do you think my chances are? Do they know about the . . . incident?”
“I spoke with Bob Shriber. He’s the head of broadcast production. I told him that I represented you, that up until recently you were a host on Sellevision and that you were now open to new opportunities.”
“Yeah, what’d he say?” Max asked impatiently.
“Well, he um, well . . .” Laurie hedged.
“C’mon, Laurie, what did he say? Tell me the truth.”
“He said, and I quote, ‘Has he started wearing underwear yet?’ ”
“Oh Christ, I’m fucked. I’m totally screwed, my career—”
“Hold on, hold on, I’m not finished,” Laurie interrupted. “He was just joking. He also said that he would be happy to meet you in person.”
“He did?” Max asked, warily.
“Yes, Max, he did. He’d like to arrange something for next week. He’s out of town all this week on vacation, but we’re going to speak at the beginning of next week and set something up.”
Max exhaled loudly into the phone, feeling great relief.
“But don’t get your hopes set too high. They’re meeting with a few other candidates, and there’s a chance they might want to go with an Asian or an African American, so we’ll just have to wait and see.”
“No, I understand, it’s just that, well, at least it’s something. I really would hate to end up at Denny’s as a waiter.”
“Oh, Max, no matter what, you won’t end up at Denny’s,” Laurie reassured him. “Discovery Channel is always looking for new people, and KRON in San Francisco might be looking for an entertainment correspondent, so don’t panic quite yet.”
“Thanks, Laurie, thanks for not dropping me immediately.”
“Sweetie, I would never drop you. I’m your agent and friend, for better or for worse, through sickness and in health . . . with pants or without.”
“Ha ha, very funny.”
After she hung up, Laurie scribbled a note on Max’s file: Reevaluate in three months.
three
“Knock knock,” Leigh Bushmoore said, leaning in the