Sellevision - Augusten Burroughs [6]
Her producer’s voice was suddenly in her left ear, unheard by the caller. “She’s a fucking basket-case, get her off, get her off, Peggy Jean!” he shouted.
Completely unflustered, Peggy Jean adopted a sympathetic tone. “Oh, Marilyn, I’m so sorry to hear that. What a terrible tragedy. I have three boys of my own, and I cannot imagine what you must be going through, that is really just so terrible.” Then brighter, “But I’m glad that you’re being good to yourself by picking up these stunning trillion-cut amethyst lever-back earrings and I know you’ll enjoy them for many years. And what a beautiful tribute to your son!”
“Excellent, Peggy, great segue,” the producer said. “Now get rid of her.”
“It’s been nice speaking with you,” Peggy Jean said instantly.
“I love you and all of the Sellevision hosts and I hope that none of you ever go through something like this. I pray for all of you each night.” The older woman paused.
Peggy Jean leapt on the pause. “Thank you, Marilyn from New Mexico, and remember, because we ship UPS Two-Day Priority, your earrings will arrive in time for your son’s funeral at no extra cost. Bye-bye and God bless.”
“Y
ou are shameless,” Bebe Friedman said to her television, positioned directly across from the cream-colored shabbychic sofa on which she was curled. “Drop the earrings, Peggy Jean, this woman’s son just killed himself.” Bebe spooned one last bit of ice cream into her mouth, feeling not too guilty since it took her over a week to finish the pint.
Bebe was Sellevision’s crown jewel. At forty-two, she was one of the original hosts when the network premiered eleven years ago. From day one, the self-deprecating, quick-witted, and very down-to-earth Bebe was a hit. And now she was on air only during the hottest of prime time. She had her own two-hour Dazzling Diamonelle show every Sunday night at ten, and she also hosted many special celebrity programs. Almost everything Bebe presented sold out.
While Peggy Jean, certainly number two behind Bebe, was a slave to product details, Bebe preferred to simply provide viewers with humorous sidebars, engaging stories about her mother who was retired in Needles, California, and tales of her permanently single life. She was also not above making fun of her own “very Jewish nose,” or her “big mouth that gets me into trouble.” Like all Sellevision hosts, Bebe was polished, but there was a certain realness to her that no amount of hairspray or liquid foundation could obscure.
On last Sunday’s Dazzling Diamonelle, for example, Bebe was presenting a fourteen-karat white gold tennis bracelet that featured alternating marquise-cut and oval stones—fifteen-carat total simulated gemstone weight. And instead of taking the ruler and measuring the diameter of the tennis bracelet or talking about how Diamonelle is the world’s finest simulated diamond, Bebe asked viewers to forgive her manicure, which had chipped while she was washing her Westie, Pepper. “I had to give her a bath, you know, because today at the park she felt this instinctive doggy need to go romp in the mud, and then roll around and, well, she was just a mess.” Then Bebe added, “Now I personally own a couple Diamonelle tennis bracelets, and I wear one of them pretty much every day. But do you think I would wear an actual diamond tennis bracelet to drag my dog out of the mud? Give me a break. Of course, if you are going to be mud wrestling with your dog, it doesn’t hurt to appear to be wearing a diamond bracelet while you do it.”
The white gold Diamonelle tennis bracelet, item number J-1023, sold out instantly.
Chuckling to herself over Peggy Jean’s ability to turn even suicide back to the amethyst earrings, Bebe got up off the couch, placed the spoon in the dishwasher, then dropped the empty ice cream pint into the trash can, which she opened by stepping on the pedal with her