Seriously_.I'm Kidding - Ellen DeGeneres [21]
For the Children—Part One
One of the things I love most about my talk show is the fact that everyone from babies to great-great-great-grandparents watches it. My show is fun for all ages, kind of like an amusement park or a strip club that offers day care.
Believe it or not, I have a loyal fan base made up of toddlers. I always assumed it was because they were impressed with my comedic timing and interviewing skills, but it turns out they just like to watch me dance.
I love that kids love my show. In fact, I love it so much I want to devote this chapter to them. On the next few pages you’ll find pictures of cool things kids love that your son or daughter can color in. It’s like a coloring book! Only better because it’s my book! Please feel free to color it in yourself. You know that old saying: “You’re never too old to play. You’re only too old for low-rise jeans.”
For the Children—Part Two
If there’s one thing I know about children it’s that they have a hard time understanding the meaning of the words “priceless Warhol.”
If there’s another thing I know it’s that they love a good story. If it were up to them, kids would have you read them the same book five hundred times in a row. That can be very frustrating on the days you decide to read them War and Peace.
The real problem with kids wanting to hear the same story read over and over again is that as the reader, you get incredibly bored. So once again, Auntie Ellen is here to help. What I’ve done in this chapter is written a story that your child is going to want to hear many, many, many times. But the good news is, so will you! The parts of the story that are in parentheses are for adults, so as you read along be sure not to read any of that aloud.
Now get those kids into their pj’s and let’s get reading!
The Endlessly Exhilarating Adventures of a Pretty, Pretty Princess
BY ELLEN DEGENERES
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there was a pretty, pretty princess named Isabella. She had long, flowing blond hair (most of it was a weave) and wore a tiara upon her head. She was often ridiculed for wearing her tiara because she never took it off—not when she ate breakfast or when she swam in the lagoon (or when she went out with strangers she met on Craigslist).
Many townspeople thought the king and queen had a peculiar daughter but the truth was Isabella didn’t care what anyone thought of her. She was a free spirit. (And she slept with a lot of older men.)
The king wanted Princess Isabella to marry a wealthy prince who lived in the next town over. But the princess didn’t want to marry the prince because she wanted to explore the world before settling down, which in her mind meant she wanted to do a great deal of experimenting both sexually and with the illegal drug ecstasy—
Oh no, I’m so sorry. That was supposed to be in parentheses. I hope you didn’t read that part aloud to your children. I’m so sorry!
The king and queen were both shocked that their daughter didn’t want to marry the prince, for every young lady in all the land was envious of her opportunity. But Isabella meant it and so the king called off the wedding.
The princess was ecstatic. She immediately packed a bag and left for an exciting and magical trip around the world. (Her first stop was Amsterdam, where she immediately got a tattoo and started doing improv.)
She traveled all over every continent. (I think there are eleven?) One day she was walking through the beautiful streets of London when a sudden gust of wind blew her tiara right off her head. She ran into the street to get it just as a car was driving by. The driver slammed on his brakes so hard that everyone in the street stopped and stared.
Suddenly the driver stepped out of the car and Isabella couldn’t believe her big, blue (fake contact lens–wearing) eyes. It was the prince.
Isabella couldn’t explain why, but she was so happy to see him and he was happy to see her. He picked the tiara up off the street and placed it upon her head. (He had run it over with his car so it was in