Seriously_.I'm Kidding - Ellen DeGeneres [22]
(They went back to their hometown and ended up getting married about a year later. Isabella gave birth to a bunch of kids throughout the next decade. She continued to wear her tiara outside of the house, which gave her the reputation of being a full-on weirdo, and she kept her hair long well into her late sixties. After the princess’s father passed away, the queen moved in with them, which put some strain on their relationship. They got through it but there were definitely some rough patches. They had some money trouble on and off just like any other couple. A few of their kids weren’t that smart. It seemed like they both couldn’t help but wonder if they were meant to be together, even though it did seem like fate brought them back together that one day in London. Or maybe if she didn’t wear that tiara all the time it wouldn’t have blown off her head and they never would have seen each other again. It’s one of those things that no one will ever really have the answer to.)
And they lived happily ever after. (Not really.)
Talking Hard
There are a few things I didn’t realize would happen when I signed on to host my talk show. One, I didn’t know that for the first three months of the job, I would have a recurring dream where Maury Povich invites me on his show to tell me that Phil Donahue is my biological father. And two, I didn’t realize how much I was going to have to talk. Oh my heavens, there’s a lot of talking. I know the job title is “talk show host,” but I guess when I first started I focused more on the “host” part. I picked out nice candles for the guest dressing rooms. I made sure the lighting was just right. I stocked the rooms with champagne and fresh strawberries. I even picked out soft robes and underwear in case anyone wanted to get more comfortable. Sure, a lot of my guests initially thought I was hitting on them, and that was my mistake.
I just didn’t realize how much talking it would involve, and my job isn’t a job where I can ever take a day off. Believe me, I’ve tried. The studio is always like, “You signed a contract to be here every day, blah, blah, blah.”
It’s a lot of pressure. It turns out if I stop talking the show comes to a complete stop. It’s the same as writing this book. If I don’t write, nothing happens.
Do you see what I mean? It’s pressure.
And it’s not just the talking. I also have to listen! When I ask my guests questions, I don’t know how they’re going to answer so I really have to pay attention. In real life, when I ask someone a question I can nod and pretend like I’m listening, when really all I’m thinking about is how cute it would be if my cat could play the ukulele. If I daydream like that on my show, I’m being “rude” to “Julia Roberts.”
Don’t get me wrong—I love my job, but let me just break down how much talking there is on my show. Every day I start with a monologue. That’s all talk with some occasional singing because when you have a voice like mine you have to share it with the world. Then I sit down and I talk to my DJ. We make small talk. After that I talk to my audience about what’s going on in my life. I love talking to my audience. Over the past nine years, I feel like I’ve developed a relationship with them. It’s one where I do most of the talking and we eat all our meals separately, but it works for us.
After I talk to the audience, we take a commercial break, and during the break I talk to my producers. They tell me stuff like, “You look great” and “You were so funny when you said [INSERT HILARIOUS JOKE HERE].” It’s not like they have to say that stuff or anything, but if they do they get entered into drawings to win fun prizes. Then we come back from commercial and I talk to my guests. Now, I love talking to my guests. I have had the chance to interview some absolutely incredible people—everyone from actors and musicians