Seriously_.I'm Kidding - Ellen DeGeneres [26]
Okay, maybe don’t get a lion. Maybe just change the locks.
Portia and I don’t have any children. That’s why we’re always full of energy and smiling. But we do have a lot of animals that we treat like our family. We have two dogs, Mabel and Wolf, and three cats at home, Charlie, George, and Chairman. We have two cats on our farm, Tom and Little Sister, two horses, and two mini horses, Hannah and Tricky. We also have two cows, Holy and Madonna. And those are only the animals we let sleep in our bed.
We really treat our animals like they’re our babies. We don’t dress them up or anything. But we do take them to Mommy and Me classes every Friday. You should see the cows play the maracas during music time. If it isn’t the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen.
I know having pets isn’t exactly the same as having babies. It’s not like I have to stay up all night nursing our cats. I mean, I do but I don’t have to. But our animals have taught us valuable lessons that could be applied to parenting human babies, should we ever change our minds. Things like when your baby wants to communicate something, it will moo loudly. And when your baby is hungry you will need to feed it some hay. Maybe that only applies to cows. But one thing we know for sure is that you should never sneak up on your baby, and when you’re feeding it, you should always hold your hand flat. Now I’m thinking of a horse. You know what, we mostly know about animals. We’re not gonna change our minds.
My Bucket List
Buy more buckets.
Travel to distant lands to learn more about different people, cultures, societies. Watch more Discovery Channel.
Wear more white.
Learn to fly.
Build a canoe.
Tell everyone I know I built a canoe.
Go see the philharmonic, concerts, operas. Watch more PBS.
Call more people “rascal.”
Watch someone run a marathon.
Learn to speak a foreign language, like Australian or British.
I Am Not Lazy
I am not a lazy person. In fact, I’m a very busy, hardworking person. I host a daily talk show. I have my own production company. I have my own music label. On the weekends I manage a Kinko’s downtown. But every once in a while I do something very lazy, shockingly lazy.
A few months ago, I got home from a long day of entertaining America and many other parts of the world and I sat on my sofa to watch some television. I realized my favorite cat, Charlie, wasn’t with me. She usually finds me as soon as I come home. My other cats are more independent. They spend summers backpacking through Europe and call when they need me to wire money.
But Charlie and I have a very special relationship and I wanted to let her know I was home. Don’t worry, I’m not one of those crazy cat ladies. I just like my favorite cat to know I’m home so we can talk, have dinner together, and watch Hoarders.
I assumed she was in our master bathroom because that’s where the cats like to hang out when we’re not home. They record most of their “cute kitty plays with loofah” YouTube videos in there.
Now, in order to let her know I was home I could have walked to the bathroom or yelled for her, which is what I usually do. But for some reason on that day I did something else. We have an intercom where I can push a button and talk to someone in another room. Sometimes it’s fun to use when we have company. I’ll get on it from a different part of the house and whisper stuff like, “Is there anything you ever really wanted to tell God? I’m listening.” Oh, we have fun.
Anyway, I got on the intercom and I said, “Charlie, I’m home! Charlie!” and I hung up and I waited for Charlie to come