Seriously_.I'm Kidding - Ellen DeGeneres [27]
She said, “Did you just intercom the cat?”
And I looked at her and I had no choice but to say, “Yes. I did just intercom the cat.”
In my defense, I was very tired and if I wanted to walk all the way to the bathroom to find Charlie I would have had to get on my Segway, ride it to the escalator, take the escalator to the third floor, cross the champagne fountain, get my retina scanned, and deactivate dozens of laser beams.
Okay, that isn’t true. I would have had to walk down the hall.
I’m not usually that lazy. Have I ever tried to take my pants off without taking my shoes off first? Yes. I also recently got in my car one morning, noticed a stain on my shirt, and then continued to drive to work instead of going all the way inside to change.
I’m sure you have all done that at some point. You get dressed in the morning and you’re excited about your outfit. Right before you leave the house, you notice a coffee stain right in the middle on your shirt or a little hole right in the armpit. Of course that means you put it back in your closet like that after you wore it the last time. “Oh, that’s not too bad. I can wear that again.”
Once you see it, instead of having to go back and find a new shirt to match the pants and shoes and neckerchief you already picked out, you shrug and say, “I’ll just tell people it happened on my way to work.”
We’re getting lazier and lazier. There is so much technology that helps us be lazy. There are now cars that park themselves, which is great not only for lazy people but for people who also hate not having scratches on their bumpers. There are vacuums that vacuum for us. Thanks to Bud Light Lime, we don’t even need to squeeze the lime into our own beer anymore.
Humans aren’t supposed to be so lazy. We’re not supposed to go from work where we sit for hours and hours in the same chair staring at the same computer screen to our homes where we spend hours and hours sitting on our sofas playing video games and watching reality TV.
I’ll admit I’m guilty of watching a lot of reality TV. Nothing makes me feel lazier than complaining I can’t find the TV remote to change the channel—and then eventually finding it so I can watch an episode of I Shouldn’t Be Alive about a sailor who had to float on a twig in the middle of the ocean for two months after his boat capsized and sank.
It wouldn’t be so bad to watch all these reality shows if they weren’t so time consuming. They’re each two hours long! There’s a dent in my couch the shape of my entire body and it got there after I watched a single episode of The Bachelor. I also like to watch American Idol, Survivor, The Celebrity Apprentice. That’s like ninety-seven hours of TV to watch every week. That barely leaves any time to focus on what’s truly important in life—Facebook and Twitter.
By the way, I’ve noticed that there is a show to find the “next” everything—the next model, the next chef, the next designer, singer, dancer, entrepreneur. Pretty soon there will be a reality show to pick the next president. We won’t even have to leave the house to vote. “Sorry, sir, during this debate you did not stuff enough marshmallows into your mouth. You will not be moving on to the primaries. Please bring me your torch.”
What they should do to save us all some time is combine every show into one giant reality show. Who wouldn’t watch a show about the next tap-dancing celebrity bachelor apprentice who can survive in the wilderness while singing about losing weight? Ryan Seacrest would host and we would all watch.
Let’s all challenge ourselves today to get up and move a little more. You know what we should be doing more of? Squatting. Let’s all squat more. For every YouTube video you watch, do a squat. For every video game you play, do a lunge—not at someone. Then squat again. And then thrust. And then lunge again. And then squat. And then thrust.
And now work your arms by turning the page. You’re doing a great job.
Note: This chapter was dictated but not read.