Shadow War - Deborah Chester [28]
Caelan felt frozen. Every word was like a blow, and despite his anger and disappointment he had no defenses with which to shield himself.
“The road of life has turns we do not always foresee,” he said. “I am glad your road has always been so simple and straight. Mine has not been, and probably will never be. All I know is that I must stay true to myself, not to what other people planned for me. I have only one final statement for you, and then we will be finished with our candor. We need never speak to each other again.
“After the bone-breaking labor and the whippings and the insubstantial food ... after the sweating nightmares and the shakes ... I used to lie awake at night and think of my loved ones. I would think of Lea and the servants ... and even Father. I would think of their deaths, my grief burning a hole in me. And I would comfort myself that you were alive and well. I would tell myself that I wasn’t completely lost in this nightmare, that someday I would regain my freedom. Someday I would return to Trau and find you, my remaining kinsman. My family. I told myself I hadn’t lost quite everything. You were a small, precious part of my hope.” Caelan managed a twisted grimace of a smile and shrugged. “I never imagined you would be like this. Still condemning me after all these years because I rejected what you wanted for yourself. Can’t the jealousy and envy have an end?”
“I see no reason for jealousy here.” Appearing unmoved by what Caelan had said, Agel made a slight gesture at the room. “The things you value have no interest for me.”
“Envy, then,” Caelan said harshly. “Every time Beva spoke to me, you were green with it.”
“I wanted what he gave you.”
“You have it,” Caelan said. “You’re the healer, not me. You wear the white robe. I don’t. You are good at the art, as good as my father was. You have his skills, his abilities. You took the court appointment he refused. You have succeeded in emulating him. You will be even more famous than he. Let the envy go, Agel. Accept me for what I am. Please.”
“A killer? How can I accept that?”
Caelan shut his eyes and gave up. He’d bared his soul to this man and been spurned. It was pointless to keep trying.
“You are as foolhardy and reckless as ever,” Agel was saying. “I saw yesterday’s contest—”
Startled, Caelan opened his eyes wide. “You? I don’t believe it.”
“You were too stubborn yesterday to give up, and you are as stubborn as ever in refusing to cooperate today in what is good for you.”
“Oh, so you do remember a few things about me.” Caelan said sarcastically.
Agel did not flinch. “I remember everything.”
“And you don’t care, do you? You’re so perfect now, so severed. You can remain detached despite what happened at E’nonhold. Everyone was slaughtered in the raid. My home was burned to the ground. You used to wish it could be your home too. Now you don’t care.”
“To grieve for the hold does not bring it back,” Agel said. “To grieve for Uncle Beva does not restore him to life. Do you wish me to join the inner confusion you live in? What purpose would that serve? I have my work, which is to heal. It is enough for me.”
“You’re just like Father,” Caelan said bitterly.
“Thank you. That is high praise.”
“No, it’s insult!” Caelan screamed at him. “You fool. My father and his stupid philosophy opened the hold to destruction. He let his own servants die. He stood like a stupid moag and let Thyzarenes slit his throat. It could have all been prevented, and he would not act!”
“Uncle Beva lived by his beliefs. If he also died by his beliefs, then he did so with dignity and honor. I will not debate the principles of harmony and balance with you,” Agel said