Sophie's Choice - William Styron [74]
Nathan was smiling at me. It seemed to be a perfectly amiable smile, with not a trace of the sardonic about it, but for an instant I felt intensely about his presence what I had already felt and what I would feel again—a fleeting moment in which the attractive and compelling in him seemed in absolute equipoise with the subtly and indefinably sinister. Then, as if something formlessly damp had stolen through the room, departing instantly, I was freed of the creepy sensation and I smiled back at him. He wore what I believe was called a Palm Beach suit, tan, smartly tailored and perceivably high-priced, and it helped make him appear not even a distant cousin of that wild apparition I had first set eyes on only days before, disheveled, in baggy slacks, raging at Sophie in the hallway. All of a sudden that fracas, his mad accusation—Spreading that twat of yours for a cheap, chiseling quack doctor!—seemed as unreal to me as dialogue spoken by the leading stinker in a long-ago, half-forgotten movie. (What had he meant by those balmy words? I wondered if I would ever find out.) As the ambiguous smile lingered on his face, I was aware that this man posed riddles of personality more exasperating and mystifying than any I had ever encountered.
“Well, at least you didn’t tell me that the novel’s dead,” I said at last, just as a phrase of music, celestial and tender, flowed down very softly from the room above and forced a change of subject.
“That’s Sophie who put the music on,” Nathan said. “I try to get her to sleep late in the morning when she doesn’t have to go to work. But she says she can’t. Ever since the war she says she could never learn again to sleep late.”
“What is that playing?” It was naggingly familiar, something from Bach I should have been able to name as from a child’s first music book, but which I had unaccountably forgotten.
“It’s from Cantata 147, the one that in English has the title Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring,”
“I envy you that phonograph,” I said, “and those records. But they’re so goddamned expensive. A Beethoven symphony would cost me a good hunk of what I used to call a week’s pay.” It then occurred to me that what had further bolstered the kinship I felt for Sophie and Nathan during these nascent few days of our friendship had been our common passion for music. Nathan alone was keen on jazz, but in general I mean music in the grand tradition, nothing remotely popular and very little composed after Franz Schubert, with Brahms being a notable exception. Like Sophie, like Nathan too, I was at that time of life—long before Rock or the resurgence of Folk—when music was more than simple meat and drink, it was an essential opiate and something resembling the divine breath. (I neglected to mention how much of my free time at McGraw-Hill, or time after work, had been spent in record stores, mooching hours of music in the stifling booths they had in those days.) Music for me at this moment was almost so much in itself a reason for being that had I been deprived too long of this or that wrenching harmony, or some miraculously stitched tapestry of the baroque, I would have unhesitatingly committed dangerous crimes. “Those stacks of records of yours make me drool,” I said.
“You know, kid, you’re welcome to play them anytime.” I was aware that in the past few days he had taken to calling me “kid” at times. This secretly pleased me more than he could know. I think that in my growing fondness for him I, an only child, had begun to see in him a little of the older brother I had never had—a brother, furthermore, whose charm and warmth so outweighed the unpredictable and bizarre in him