Star Wars_ The New Jedi Order_ Rebel Dreams_ Enemy Lines I - Aaron Allston [83]
The gathering in the hall was breaking up, Leia accompanying Wedge and Iella toward the complex’s main hall, saying, “I need to talk about some additional matériel.” Luke followed, little Ben in his arms, talking to Kam and Tionne.
And then Jaina was alone. She followed Mara’s path to the door of the Skywalker chamber and knocked. At Mara’s “come in,” she did so.
Mara stood in the center of the main chamber. All the chamber’s furniture had been placed against the walls, giving the room a large open area in the middle, doubtless a place for Mara and Luke to exercise or meditate. Perhaps Mara had just started an exercise; she looked a little flushed, her hair slightly disarrayed.
“I guess it’s a bad time,” Jaina said. She jerked her head back toward the door and the corridor beyond. “I didn’t know all that was going on.”
“It’s all right. They’re taking the Jedi academy students to a new hiding place. Somewhere they’ll be safe while the Errant Venture is on-station here. Ben is going with them, and Wedge’s kids, and the boy Tarc.” Mara shrugged, and seemed about to add something, but no more words came.
“Are you all right?”
“I feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me. I just can’t seem to find my breath.”
This sudden candor, the way Mara seemed to be just short of in control, was unnerving. Jaina tried to find some words to help but realized the ridiculousness, the futility of it. She didn’t have any experience to compare to it.
Other than losing Anakin and Jacen. It was not the same. On one hand, they were her brothers, not her son; on the other, the loss was permanent. She steered herself away from those thoughts. “You could go with him,” she said.
“Don’t think I haven’t considered it. Don’t think I won’t be considering it until the moment your parents blast off. Or even after.” Mara swallowed hard. “But my work here, and this mission to Coruscant, is more important than my feelings. If I’m not here to do something I’m supposed to do, the Yuuzhan Vong could take another few strides toward victory. Down the line, when it counts, that might be the difference for us. It might be the difference between Ben having a galaxy he can grow up in … or not having one. If I just do what I want to, and go running after your father, Ben could end up dying. Or becoming a slave of the Yuuzhan Vong. I can’t do that.”
Mara’s eyes were closed now, but she was in control—in control of her physical self, anyway. Nothing could control the anguish she was feeling.
Jaina felt it through the Force, an outpouring of pain that roared out of Mara like water through a shattered dam. It washed across Jaina and she was suddenly lost in it—
years alone the cold of space in her heart the Emperor’s hand avenge his death and then Luke what does hate become Ben so small so small was I ever that small will I ever see him again do I deserve to be his mother
It folded Jaina over like a snap-kick to her stomach. She lurched back into the door, but Mara, eyes closed, somewhere deep within herself, didn’t seem to hear.
Jaina resisted the urge to go to her mentor, to put her arms around her, to comfort her. The numbers had to catch up with Jaina sooner or later, as they had with her brothers. Mara would be better off not having her emotions divided as finely as they were. By stepping away, allowing Mara to concentrate just on her immediate family, Jaina would be helping her. She backed into the doorway and out into the hall.
The door slid closed in front of her, but the wash of thoughts and emotions from Mara continued. Jaina moved away and began to catch her breath, but Mara’s ache still permeated her, mingling with her own ache from the loss of her brothers, and she wished she could keep from ever hurting that way again.
With every step she drew away from Mara’s quarters, she felt the pain slip away. At the end of the corridor,