Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [145]
I will never forget our first kiss. We were sitting in the truck by the white rocks, and I told him that I had finally made up my mind. “I want to be with you,” I declared. “I want to be happy with you. And to…have a life.” Images flashed in my mind of what life with Lamont could be like—babies and birthdays and unrestricted love. My heart and mind were ready to take this leap forward, and on this night I was ready to kiss him for the first time. I hadn’t planned it; it just came over me as I looked at the face I had grown to love so much. I leaned in and he followed suit. The kiss was brief but magical—soft, passionate, and absolutely nothing like Allen.
“It’s going to take some time for me to leave,” I explained. “I’m scared to leave my mom and the girls behind.” Lamont knew that the tiny remaining family I had in Hildale relied heavily on me to make sure they had clean clothes, socks, and everything else. Mom had just had foot surgery and was laid up in bed recuperating. Although Ally and Sherrie looked out for each other, they were both too young to adequately help Mom or see to their own daily needs. Sherrie was now thirteen, and Ally was ten. I would have to give them up completely if I left the FLDS, and the thought was too much for me to handle.
“I understand,” Lamont said. “I really do.”
Over the next few months, Lamont and I grew more and more in love by the day, while my relationship with Allen dwindled to nothing except for the fact that we technically shared a “home.” People in the community viewed us as married, and no one knew the truth about my absences. Fear of Warren had kept Allen’s complaints to a minimum, and so all I had to do was stay out of Allen’s way. I always remembered the promise I had made to myself months earlier never to be Allen’s victim again. The only way to make sure I kept that promise was to avoid him, so that’s what I did. What I really wanted to do was scream out to the world that there wasn’t even a piece of me that still belonged to Allen, but lifting that veil would have risked everything. It hurt to deceive the people I cared for most, but my position was impossible. It was either my family or my heart.
Lamont’s love had cocooned me, and by April, my apprehension about sharing a bed with him evaporated. Being with him felt so natural, and I no longer wanted us to be apart. However, this change renewed my concerns about expectations for any physical component of our relationship.
“I’m a virgin,” he confided. Smiling, he again reassured me, “I’ve waited twenty-five years. What’s a few more? I don’t want you for your body. I’m not here for that. I care about you.”
Upon hearing those words, I found myself even more drawn to him. Shortly thereafter, we began to plan our future together. Still, for all of our optimism, I was not ready to take the leap of faith and leave the FLDS.
I was alone in Lamont’s room one day in May when a knock at the door startled me. I knew he was on his way back to town, but he wasn’t supposed to be arriving this early. Fixing my hair, I opened the door to find a deliveryman holding an enormous bouquet of flowers, and ripping open the card, I savored Lamont’s words. When Lamont arrived several hours later, he was clutching a second, even more enormous bouquet. The plastic wrap that encircled the flowers crinkled as we fell together in a hug, and later on that night I prepared a special prime-rib dinner that I had brought home from work.
“Lamont, I love you so much,” I blurted out as we sipped the sparkling cider he’d brought home. For the first time ever, I longed to be intimate with a man. I snuggled up close and whispered that I was ready to give myself to him. Being with him was not at all like being with Allen. The softness of Lamont’s touch, the warmth of his body next to mine, and the incredible connection I felt to him was more than I could have ever hoped for. I had always known that Allen and I were never meant to be together. Now I know that God had sent Lamont to save me.
Spring