Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [144]
Lamont nodded in understanding. “I know,” he said softly.
We sat quietly for a few minutes staring out at the rapidly disappearing sun. Finally I asked, “What do I do now?”
“That’s something you have to decide for yourself,” he said. “I love you and I would be the luckiest guy in the world to have you.” His voice wavered as he continued. “The person you are with doesn’t have a right to be with you,” he explained. “I don’t care who told you to do this. Whether it was God, the prophet, your parents, or anybody else. No man should treat anybody how he treats you. I’m not going to force you to be with me; only you can make that decision. But I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
I was struck by his honesty. We talked about how to proceed. I was nervous about what my fate would be if I left. “Is the Devil going to be waiting for me?” I asked.
“I’ve had the same struggle. I left, came back, and left again,” Lamont said. “It’s hard because once you question one thing, you start to question everything. And this whole life you know and all this suffering hasn’t all been for nothing. You have to always remember one thing,” he explained, recalling Joseph Smith, the founder of the religion we were a part of. “Joseph Smith said that ‘happiness is the object and design of our existence.’ God would not want you to throw your life away now for some unknown future.”
“If I leave Allen, can I still go to heaven?” I asked, probably sounding somewhat like a scared young child.
“All I know,” he said, “is that you have to make a choice in your own heart, and I believe that your heart will tell you right whatever it is.”
The next couple of weeks were a confusing yet happy time. Just to know that someone out there loved me was empowering. Nevertheless, doubts swarmed my mind as I began to scrutinize the FLDS with a fresh intensity. I knew what was going on in our church was unjust—from Warren to the marriage to plural marriage—but I couldn’t have those thoughts without thinking that I would be damned to hell.
I didn’t know how to make this giant leap into the unknown. Each time I pictured my future on the outside, images of my mother and sisters flooded into my mind. I knew all too well the feelings of abandonment that Sherrie and Ally would experience, and I didn’t want to subject them to that. If I wasn’t there, who would protect them from being married off when they were still kids? I had already seen that Mom didn’t have the ability to stand up for them. There was nothing I feared more than the girls experiencing my fate.
Mixed with these emotions was a new feeling. I started to recognize that I needed to take care of myself, too. Being with Lamont was one of the only times I felt safe, and if I turned down that comfort, I might never get it back. This wasn’t just about my mom and my sisters; it was about me.
When I could, I would drive out to visit Lamont at T.R.’s house. One night, I stayed late socializing with T.R. and his wife while Lamont was in Durango on business. Weary from a long day and dreading the options of sleeping in my car in the desert or being confined to the trailer with Allen, I decided to stay the night in Lamont’s room. Over the next couple of months, I continued to find respite in the safety of the guest room that Lamont was renting in T.R.’s home, but I only stayed there on the weekdays when Lamont was away at a job site.
I wasn’t comfortable sharing a room with Lamont yet, and I worried that he would grow impatient with me for not sleeping with him. That moment never arrived. On the contrary, Lamont assured me that any romantic overtures would have to come from me. He would not partake in any intimate contact unless I initiated it. For the first time since I’d married Allen, I didn’t feel as though somebody wanted something from me. Lamont’s putting me in control of the situation was a powerful gesture. Knowing that he had no intention of coming on to me made it easier