Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [143]
After we returned, Lamont confided in me that he had officially left the FLDS, and now he was renting a room at his friend T.R.’s house. The prophet of the Centennial Group had offered him work and welcomed him with open arms. Lamont had been hesitant to tell me that he was officially an apostate, but he was relieved that I didn’t spurn him. Encouraged by my reaction, he even invited me to come by and meet his friends Leysiy and T.R. Even though every FLDS teaching inside me said that I shouldn’t go, I went.
One night in March, Lamont and I decided to secretly see a film, and afterward he drove me back to my truck. We lingered for a few minutes talking.
“I can’t keep this inside any longer,” Lamont said, looking at me intently. “I love you.”
My breath was caught in my chest. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Of course, Allen had spoken those words to me before, scribbling them in cards or uttering them aloud because he thought he should, but Allen’s words didn’t sound at all like Lamont’s. Lamont was so sweet and his emotion so pure. I loved him too, but I was too afraid to say it. Unable to muster up even a sound, I sat paralyzed in the passenger seat for a very long while.
My silence terrified him. “Elissa, are you okay? What’s wrong? Why aren’t you saying anything? Please, speak to me.”
I could hear Lamont addressing me, but I was unable to respond. I’d spent my entire life wishing and praying to love someone, but each time I’d given my heart, it had been torn apart. I’d loved Dad, and he was taken away from me. I’d loved my brothers, and they, too, were out of my reach. My love for Kassandra and later Meg had also been genuine, but again, I’d ended up feeling used and left behind. Now that the moment was finally here for me, I was too overwhelmed to own it. If I told Lamont I loved him, I would be giving him my heart and committing myself to him. I wanted to do this, but Allen’s presence in my life couldn’t be denied.
I had the urge to flee. Grabbing the door handle, I jumped out of the truck, leaving Lamont with no explanation as I got into my vehicle and drove off. The following day I pulled out my cell phone and called him. At first we were quiet and a little awkward, but then I blurted out, “What you said last night…” trailing off.
“I shouldn’t have said it,” Lamont said softly into the phone. “I’m sorry. I just—”
“Whoa!” I stopped him. “Honestly, I love you too.” But then I choked up and snapped my phone closed.
I sat there watching the phone vibrating on my bed as Lamont called me back ten or more times. I didn’t know what else to say, and I wanted so badly to pick up, but I was frozen. Finally, I dialed my voice mail and listened to his message: “I am so happy, Elissa. I want to talk to you about this more. Call me back.”
Knowing that Lamont loved me was a powerful and frightening thing. I had been so cheapened and tarnished by my relationship with Allen. I didn’t really think that I deserved to be loved, especially by someone as engaging and kind as Lamont. I was sure that I loved him and I wanted to be with him more than anything, but rather than making things clearer, this thought only made them more confusing.
The day after he confessed his love for me, I finally returned Lamont’s voice messages and agreed to meet him later that day at the big white rocks in the desert where Meg and I had watched movies. It was a safe and private spot, filled with memories for me. I arrived a little early and got out of my truck to wander and think.
The very beginnings of sunset were stretching across the vast Utah sky as Lamont’s truck pulled up, and he rushed over to collect me in a big hug. Looking at him that day was different than it had ever been before. Somehow, being in touch with our true feelings and sharing them had changed everything. We climbed into his truck to talk things out. At first the conversation was a little awkward, but then I looked into his eyes and with tears rolling down my cheeks said, “I love you too.”
“Then what’s wrong?” he asked.
“This is just so new for me.”