Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [75]
“Can we please have you stand?” he instructed, looking out over his glasses at me. I heard what he’d said, but I remained paralyzed in my seat. “So, will you please stand and take each other’s hands,” Uncle Warren continued.
Rising, I said, “Can’t I just stand here?” That plea was ignored, and Allen took my limp hand in what is known as the “patriarchal grip.” As Uncle Warren began the ceremony, I felt dizzy, like I might pass out. I knew that I should be paying attention to these sacred words, but I couldn’t focus on them. My mind was still searching for an exit.
“Do you, Brother Allen Glade Steed, take Sister Elissa Jessop, by the right hand, and receive her unto yourself to be your lawful and wedded wife…”
Just like at my mother’s wedding to Uncle Fred, I held my breath and desperately prayed that Uncle Warren would not seal me for time and all eternity.
“…and you to be her lawful and wedded husband…”
I was praying that God would at least do this for me, that he wouldn’t let Warren say those words, that he would let me be with someone else in heaven.
“…for time and all eternity.”
My heart dropped and tears slid down my cheeks. From this moment forward, my entire life would feel wrong; even in death I’d be miserable.
I wanted to run as Uncle Warren droned on with the vows. “With a covenant and promise, on your part, that you will fulfill all the laws, rites, and ordinances pertaining to this holy bond of matrimony in the new and everlasting covenant, doing this in the presence of God, angels, and these witnesses, of your own free will and choice?”
Allen agreed promptly, “I do.”
I could feel Uncle Warren’s piercing gaze turn in my direction, and my heart began to race.
“Do you, Sister Elissa Jessop, take Brother Allen Glade Steed by the right hand and give yourself to him…” I was no longer hearing his words, for my mind was a jumble. Give myself to Allen? “No. Oh please, God, no!” my mind was screaming. I tried to focus on the words being said.
“…of your own free will and choice?” he finished, waiting for my reply.
“My free will and choice?” I thought. Nothing about this day was my free will and choice. For the past week, I had desperately tried to tell the very man saying these words that I did not want this and had begged him to allow me to grow up first. He more than anyone else knew this was not my “free will and choice.”
I couldn’t say it. I felt the room fall silent as the words failed to find their way to my lips. Uncle Warren’s stern gaze drilled a hole through me, and he looked so intimidating and powerful. I could feel everyone’s stares as I stood there speechless. Time seemed to stand still as I searched the room for an answer. My gaze finally fell upon my mother, whose look of terrified agony said it all. If I denied myself and my family this moment, I would be going against everything that mattered to us. An overwhelming sense of defeat fell over me; as hard as I’d fought, it was all over now.
Warren’s voice broke the silence. “Would the mother of the bride please stand and give her support?” Mom stood, grabbing my left hand. I could feel her hand trembling as she held mine. Stealing a look at her face, I could see that she was holding back tears.
“Do you, Sister Elissa, take Brother Allen, by the right hand, and give yourself to him to be his lawful and wedded wife for time and all eternity?” Warren repeated in a voice that made the question sound like a command. Even as the silence grew unbearable, I still couldn’t bring myself to formulate the words. Suddenly, I felt my fingers being crushed by my Mom’s death grip. It shocked me into the moment, reminding me that I had no choice but to respond.
“Okay,” I said, almost in a whisper. “I do.”
I could hear the collective sigh of relief rise up in the room. It was as if they’d all been holding their breaths in anticipation of what I was going to say, and were seemingly thankful that I had finally broken. In the last few moments, I had teetered on the edge of heaven