Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [85]
Ever since Allen approved the trip, I had been anticipating it with some pleasure, but from the moment we arrived it was obvious that Allen and I were not a happy couple. My sisters tried hard to make the best of the visit by offering to take some nice photos of us, but I attempted to get out of any pictures that forced me to pose with Allen. My resistance to being near him was met with a bit of scolding, and my sisters reminded me to keep sweet.
Despite my hesitation, I put on my wedding dress and allowed Teressa to do my hair in a fancy updo. Both Teressa and Sabrina had a natural talent for photography, and they chose the perfect outdoor backdrop for our wedding poses. I knew I should be grateful for their kindness, but a voice in my head kept telling me that one day these pictures might mean something to me. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t fight the feeling of revulsion that came up every time I was close to Allen. I tried hard to fake it, but my body language screamed my reluctance.
Since that first night when Allen had violated me, he had forced himself on me several more times. I didn’t know what to do or how to stop him. I hadn’t told anyone anything about it. I’d been begging him to not to do it, but all he did was assure me that it was okay. Night after night, he insisted that this was supposed to happen and it was what we needed to do. My only option was to lie there in distress, even though it hurt me so much in every way. It had gotten to the point where each night I knew it was coming. My repeated refusals made no difference. I’d close my eyes and try to imagine myself someplace else or see how high I could count. I just wanted it to be over, and I knew if I fought him, it would just end up stretching out the agony.
With our trip to Canada, I hoped to get a reprieve from this pain by spending as much time as I could with my sisters, but I still had to go to sleep at night, and Allen was always there, ready and waiting for me. Even at my sisters’ home, he was adamant that we do it. When it was over and he rolled over to close his eyes, I quickly redressed and tiptoed downstairs to the kitchen to get a drink.
It was late, and the whole house was quiet. With tears pooling up in my eyes, I sat down on the back stairs that led to the kitchen, unable to find a place for the pain that had been building up inside me. I was startled by my sister Teressa, who appeared in the doorway. She’d been in the kitchen when she heard my sobs and immediately came to investigate. She’d never liked Allen, and she couldn’t believe that I had been forced to marry him. Nonetheless, she had been willing to give him a chance.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Oh, I can’t really talk now,” I said, embarrassed that she’d caught me like this.
“Yes, you can. You can talk to me,” she said, stroking my head.
It was very hard for me to reveal what was going on in the bedroom with my new husband, and I faltered as I tried to explain it. Finally Teressa’s gentle reassurances allowed me to reveal my horrible secret. I told her a little about what Allen had been doing to me at night.
“What’s he doing to me?” I asked her, alarmed by the fury rising in her eyes.
“You are having marital relations with Allen,” she told me. “Do you know that is?”
“What’s that?” I asked her not sure what she was referring to.
Because sex is not a word that’s used in the FLDS culture, Teressa told me the basics of “man-wife” or marital relations. I was still confused because Allen was doing a lot more to me than what she explained. I told her how I felt like an evil, disgusting person, and she assured me I wasn’t and that none of it was my fault.
“Elissa, he doesn’t have to be doing that to you. You need to go and tell him that you don’t want to do this.”
“I have told him. I have told him from the very start that I don’t want him to touch me. And I don’t want to do or see anything. I don’t even want to kiss him.”
“This is wrong. Maybe you should go talk to Uncle Rulon and Uncle Warren about this,