Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [87]
“Elissa,” Uncle Warren greeted me with a handshake and a smile. “How are you doing? Where’s Allen?” he asked, surprised to see that I’d come on my own, without my priesthood head. “Does he know you’re here?”
“No” I replied, a little scared of how he would respond.
“Are you going behind Allen’s back?”
“I wanted to see you alone,” I told him, noting the harsh look on his face.
Following him into the prophet’s office, I felt more at ease. His manner seemed kind, and I was certain that he was concerned for my well-being. While I knew that my family had had difficulties with Warren in the past, I had been taught to trust him, yet as the prophet’s mouthpiece he also inspired fear.
“I’m not doing very good,” I told him as he took a seat in the swivel chair across from me. “I can’t do this.”
“Why not?” he asked me, looking puzzled.
“I just can’t be Allen’s wife. I don’t want to be here, and I never wanted to be here.”
“Well, you will learn to love him,” he assured me.
“But he touches me and does things to me that I am not comfortable with and that I don’t think are right or fully understand.” I was sure that once he heard that, he would understand what was happening, and like Teressa had said, he would put a stop to Allen’s behavior, but I was shocked by his reply.
“Well, that is not for you to decide. Your husband is a priesthood man,” he said in his slow, hypnotic way. “You are to be obedient and submissive to your priesthood head.”
“But Uncle Warren,” I implored, “I don’t know what he’s doing to me. And he touches me in my private parts and touches me in ways that I don’t like.”
Warren knew without a doubt what I was talking about, even though I had no idea how to talk about such personal, secret things with the most powerful man in our community. I didn’t even know words such as sex or rape, but I communicated to Warren the only way I could, and I knew that he understood.
“Allen is your priesthood head, and he knows what is right for you.”
I could feel the tears welling up and a thick, dry ball forming in the back of my throat.
“A woman’s role is to be obedient without question to her husband,” he continued, his narrow, black eyes boring a hole into me. “He is your priesthood head and will later lead you to the Celestial Kingdom, but only if he considers you a good priesthood obedient, submissive wife.”
“I’m sorry I failed this test that the prophet and God have given me,” I said. “Will you please just let me be separated from him? Please, I want a release,” I begged. A “release” in the FLDS is like a divorce. There is no such thing as a legal divorce. No member would think of going to court first, even if the marriage was legal. Only the prophet can grant a release, and it is extremely rare for a couple to request a release from a marriage that was revealed by God through the prophet. Just by asking, I was taking a great risk.
“I just can’t do this,” I said. “I’m sorry. I just, I beg you to please let me out—”
“You are doing insane things that will lead you to be unfaithful,” Uncle Warren firmly interrupted. “Sometimes in our lives, we are told to do things that we don’t feel are right. Because the Lord and the prophet tell us to, then they are right. You need to put your heart and feelings in line. You need to go and repent. You are not living up to your vows. You are not being obedient and submissive to your priesthood head. And that is your problem.
“You need to go home and repent and give yourself mind, body, and soul to Allen because he is your priesthood head and obey him without question because he knows what’s best for you. He will be directed by the priesthood and the spirit of God to know how to handle you.”
Clearly, Uncle Warren had not been listening to me. I had explained that Allen was touching me in private areas in ways I hated, and Warren didn’t flinch. He was completely unmoved. The only response Warren had was for me to go home, repent, and obey. I had no idea what I was supposed to repent