Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [89]
It felt like we were having marital relations all the time, at least once or twice a week. Sometimes I would sleep in my mother’s room just to avoid it. While I didn’t want to give in to Allen, Uncle Warren had put my eternal salvation at risk and I had no choice but to surrender. While Warren Jeffs did not actually use the words “have sexual intercourse” when telling me what to do with my husband, his directives to “submit” and “give myself mind, body, and soul” to my husband meant just that. If Warren hadn’t intended me to have sexual relations with Allen, he never would have required me to marry him with the commandment to “go forth and multiply and replenish the earth with good priesthood children.” In a matter of weeks, my act of survival often became an act of submission.
The coming of summer helped to raise my spirits. That June we celebrated Uncle Roy’s birthday, marking the beginning of the annual summer festivities. The community was beginning to prepare for the Pioneer Day parade, but sadly this year would not include the dancing girls. In the fall of 1999, Uncle Warren had banned performances and theatrical productions—especially dancing. With no TV or movies, this effectively put a stop to all forms of entertainment. He did so on the grounds that the end of the world was once again upon us, and we needed to focus on praying rather than lighthearted pleasures.
As Warren tightened his grip on the community, Kassandra grew more and more frustrated. Having the opportunity to help with various productions and the dancing girls had been one of her few outlets from Uncle Rulon’s home and a source of fulfillment. My sister had earned quite a reputation for her creative choreography, and her work as a dance instructor had touched the lives of young members.
Kassandra was just nineteen when she married the eighty-three-year-old prophet, and it had become increasingly difficult for her to cope with the restrictions that came with being one of his many wives. After years of encouraging Rulon’s wives to separate themselves from their families, Warren had recently commanded them to sever all their ties with the rest of the FLDS people. This way they would be at home under Warren’s watchful eye. To Kassandra it seemed odd that Warren continued to marry his father to so many young, pretty girls, despite the fact that Rulon was far too infirm to be much of a husband.
In Kassandra’s eyes, she was not a wife, she was just a number. She secretly longed just to hold the hand of a man she loved and take a quiet walk alone with him. But the longer she was married to the ailing Rulon, the more painfully obvious it became that she would never realize this kind of simple joy.
As Warren’s newest set of regulations began to set in, Kassandra’s frustration boiled over. She could see how Warren was manipulating and controlling his father’s family, and this made it hard for her to obey his directives. Just like most of the Wall kids, Kassandra had always had a freer spirit than many FLDS people, and she began to push back against the oppressive force that was bottling her up. While our sister Rachel, who was also married to Rulon, tried hard to obey Warren and remain at home, Kassandra couldn’t take the pressure. She continued to escape the constricting home environment by spending more time with our family and friends. Her desire to have an outlet and friendship, especially with some of the young men in the community, did not escape Uncle Warren’s notice, and he admonished her for not being at home with her husband. However, Kassandra was determined to find a sliver of companionship, and she continued to act out.
I’d been married for just under three months when I celebrated my fifteenth birthday.