Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [90]
Allen took me horseback riding in the mountains to celebrate my special day, and his kindness made me wonder if eventually I could grow to love him. His brother and sister-in-law joined us for my birthday ride. I actually caught myself enjoying time with the small group of people. That night, at Uncle Fred’s, the family had a birthday cake for me. As we gathered for prayer afterward, Uncle Fred surprised me with an “encouragement box.” It was a big gift-wrapped box that contained many smaller wrapped items that a woman would need for a new home. There were measuring cups, utensils, and tablecloths. At the very bottom, I found a small box containing a tiny wooden crib with a plastic baby doll wrapped in a blue blanket.
“That’s just a little encouragement to show you what you can have,” Uncle Fred said with a big smile.
We’d been having a good time. Everyone was laughing as I opened each of the gifts, and a little unsure how to react, I laughed along with them. I was touched by the thoughtful present and by the family’s taking a few minutes to honor my birthday. When I got to the baby, though, I felt suddenly pressured by the clear reminder that I was supposed to start having children. The gift seemed like another directive.
Soon I started to feel like I had less and less time to think about my own problems. About a month after my birthday, Uncle Fred assigned me the role of keeping Lily encouraged about life. Lily had returned to Hildale earlier in the summer, lured back not by responsibility to her marriage but by the boy who had won her heart before her arranged marriage to Martin. I was told that prior to her return, she had taken refuge at the home of her brother, who had also left the FLDS, and the boy she liked had been instructed by Warren and Fred to find Lily and convince her to return. While it was not clear whether the boy made any promises of a life together, he made Lily feel that he wanted her back in the FLDS. In the end, the draw of his words was too much for Lily to resist and she returned to Hildale, only to find out the whole situation had been a cruel trap that had used her heart as bait.
Now I can see that Uncle Fred and Uncle Warren had been behind the whole thing. It was contradictory to see how they had enlisted a boy she wasn’t even supposed to like to convince her to come back, and she was sickened that they had used her emotions against her. This heartbreaking betrayal and being back in her unhappy marriage pushed Lily closer to the edge, causing her to try, once again, to take her own life with an overdose of pills. Like her first attempt, this too was unsuccessful, and her behavior from then on was strictly regimented by one of Fred’s wives.
If this wasn’t bad enough, Lily had also been shunned for her attempt to get out, and she had few friends left in the community. During her short time on the outside, she’d cut her hair to just below her shoulders and given herself bangs. FLDS women are forbidden from cutting their hair or even wearing it loose; to do so was considered disobedient to the prophet. Getting a haircut was what the very few girls who did leave did, since it was a show of defiance against the church. Now, though, her haircut only marked her as an outcast, and no matter where she went people identified her as trouble.
Given the extent of her isolation, I wanted to reach out to Lily. At the time, I was also finding myself increasingly isolated. Natalie and I had all but lost touch. As a married woman, I no longer fit in with my old friends, who were part of the young teenage group. I also didn’t fit in with the older adult married