Stolen Innocence - Lisa Pulitzer [91]
Uncle Fred told me I would be held accountable for any of her missteps, and I became consumed by setting a good example. To encourage Lily, Uncle Fred sent the two of us on a camping trip with our husbands, and our stepbrother Jonathan and his wife, Jennie, came along. We did our best to enjoy ourselves, and for the most part we succeeded. Martin brought a four-wheeler, and we all went for rides. Jennie had a bubbly personality and brightened our trip. I really enjoyed spending time with her, and we became friends during our time in the wilderness. I was excited to find a “married” friend.
As part of my survival strategy, I had taken Warren’s words to heart, and by the time of that trip, I had stopped fighting Allen when he tried to have relations with me, realizing that it was something I just had to do. At times it also got me things I needed. I hated to have to ask Allen for money, but it was a lot easier to do if he was happy with me. Life was more bearable when he wasn’t angry, and I preferred getting the sex over with rather than being forced to watch him masturbate, or worse, having him put his fingers inside me to get him turned on.
On the camping trip, I tried to fit in and behave like any other married woman—talking and laughing when I could, trying to feel free and have some fun. It was easier to cut loose and relax away from the confines of Short Creek. This trip more than any other time proved to me that I could maintain the appearance of happiness for Allen and everyone else. I was keeping sweet just like they’d always told me to, and in the process I started to forget some of the doubts that I’d had about the FLDS as my wedding approached. For the first time in months, the questions I’d been asking myself about why God forced us to marry and broke families apart began to subside. Finally I was learning how to smile for the camera.
Still, there was always a lingering doubt about how sustainable the strategy was. A general fear resided in my stomach, a feeling that unhappiness was just around the corner. To survive, I had managed to trick myself into making an intolerable situation seem tolerable, but I had no idea how long I could keep it up. It was hard work, suppressing the real me, the loud voice that didn’t want to be with Allen and didn’t want to be married. I couldn’t keep that part of me silent forever. Eventually the chorus that I had quieted would start to escape. The question was not if it would happen, but when.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
THE DESTRUCTION IS UPON US
The judgments are coming very soon and our only survival is to keep sweet and obey what God tells us to do.
—RULON JEFFS
As 2002 rapidly approached, Uncle Warren again began proclaiming the coming of Zion. He delivered ominous sermons warning about the mass destructions that were imminent and commanded all faithful members to waste no time in relocating to Short Creek.
I never knew how to feel about these supposed life-altering orations. “The wicked on this land are about to be destroyed,” Uncle Warren declared during one church meeting. “This is the land where the new city, the city of Zion, will be built. This land must be swept clean first. After the Great Destructions, everybody’s going to be wiped off, except for the priesthood people, under President Jeffs, who have kept sweet.”
I knew that as a good priesthood girl I should heed these cautionary statements, but my fifteen-year-old questioning mind couldn’t grasp a concept so ominous. For months Warren had been directing the priesthood people to congregate in southern Utah for the destructions. The 2002 Winter Olympic Games were coming to Salt Lake City that February, and people from all over the world would be gathering. Warren told us God was luring them to Salt Lake for the destructions, and all the FLDS followers still living in the Salt Lake Valley were directed to sell their homes and move to the twin cities to be with the priesthood people for the coming of Zion. A flood of followers