Straight Life - Art Pepper [104]
After 21/2 years in the service, when I came out, I wanted to be free in a way. You see, my wife had since had a child and the responsibilities were, I think, a little bit too much for me at that time. I resented my wife and child because I felt they were holding me back in my career. My wife could no longer travel on the road with me. Then I started going on the road again-and the road itself is such a difficult thing. One-nighters with a big band, you know. Little by little I ran into these ... "opportunities"-and through my own immaturity I, like, sought an escape.
The escape proved to be heroin. So, I'd make the heroin and it would satisfy all my frustrations from being away from my wife whom I really loved. (Long pause.) It seemed to be an answer at the time.
DC: Did you ask yourself at that time what the eventual outcome might be?
AP: Well, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I just wouldn't look at it... I thought of what so many people had told me and I'd seen examples of guys who had been completely ruined by it. I guess I thought I could be the one who could do it and still be all right. But I knew really deep down in my own heart that I couldn't possibly end up any other way than the others.
JT: You mentioned recently that for all the years you made good money you now have absolutely nothing to show for it, not even clothes...
AP: Nothing. I have an old blue suit that was given to me when I got out of the joint, the time before this, and a couple of pairs of slacks that were bought for me by a girl friend-and that's it.
DC: How long do you think it will take you before you know for certain that you've licked the problem?
AP: Oh, I figure possibly a year or two.
DC: Do you have any nagging thoughts about what it would be like to go back?
AP: No. I went through it so completely that there's no more wonderment or mystery about it. I know exactly what it is and what it leads to. There's no enjoyment in it at all. It's without enjoyment for me.
JT: How is your health now?
AP: Well, I'm very fortunate. My health is good, real good.
DC: You ready to start over again, right from scratch?
AP: I'm not worried about that. I figure that I love music, I have a definite feeling for it. I know that that's what I'm going to do, what I have to do. And if I don't make it, to become a really great success, uh, I'll be happy as long as I'm able to make it for myself and stay straight-because I'd rather stay straight and play music for my own amusement. I would be happy even doing that.
JT: What are you planning musically for the immediate future?
AP: To play as much as I can. I'll be making quite a few record dates for different labels here and I'd like to get a little group of my own. Meanwhile, I've been working with Jack Montrose. I really like his writing and he's a wonderful person to work with.
JT: What would you say to young musicians starting out today who might be entertaining ideas of taking junk for kicks, then staying away from it?
AP: If a young guy starts using junk, he'll never ever learn how to play a horn. I'm sure of that. It's impossible. There's no way he can do it because in a little while his whole life will be revolving around junk. He'll have no time to develop. He can go out every night and blow and it won't do him any good in the long run. Pretty soon his mind will begin to stagnate like all those who've used junk ...
If many young musicians hadn't used junk, they would have really been wailing. The junk is just destroying the whole talent. It's just killing it. Nowadays I think of all the young cats that start using junk, and it completely destroys them so you never hear what they might have had to offer. Maybe some might