Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [1]
White people are given extra points for buying Fair Trade coffee, because paying the extra $2 means they are making a difference while their peers are drinking liquid oppression.
2 Religions Their Parents Don’t Belong To
White people will often say they are “spiritual” but not religious. This usually means that they will believe in any religion that doesn’t involve Jesus. The most popular choices include Buddhism, Hinduism, Kabbalah, and, to a lesser extent, Scientology. A few even dip into Islam, but that’s much rarer, since you have to make real sacrifices and actually go to a mosque.
For the most part, white people prefer religions that produce artifacts and furniture that fit into their home or wardrobe. They are also particularly drawn to religions that do not require a lot of commitment or donations.
When a white person tells you “I’m a Buddhist/Hindu/Kabbalahist,” the best thing to do is ask how they arrived at their religious decision. The story will likely involve a trip to Thailand or a college class on religion.
3 Film Festivals
White people can’t get enough of film festivals, especially Sundance, Toronto, and Cannes. This love can be due to a number of factors.
Fact #1: 90 percent of white people have taken a film class at some point in their life.
Fact #2: White people like feeling smart without doing work—two hours in a theater is easier than ten hours with a book.
Fact #3: If white people aren’t going backpacking, they generally like to travel with a specific purpose.
Fact #4: 75 percent of white people believe they either have the potential to or will become filmmakers/screenwriters/ directors at some point.
Fact #5: White people hate stuff that is “mainstream”—so they go to film festivals, where they see movies that every other person in their demographic wants to see. It’s a pretty sweet way to rebel.
Fact #6: It is required by white-person law that you publicly declare foreign cinema to be better than Hollywood movies, and on par with indie film.
Fact #7: White people earn credibility by being into films from strange countries: “Oh, you liked Sideways? Yeah, I didn’t see it, I’m really into Serbian film now. They had a great retrospective at the Vancouver Festival.”
4 Assists
When you say the word “assist,” the first thing you think about is Steve Nash and Wayne Gretzky. White people love to pass, it’s no secret.
In basketball, passing is kind of a must, so that white guys can carve out a niche and guarantee acceptance on a team. Trying to be a white guy who dunks is like trying to be a white rapper—yeah, there are a few, but you have to work twice as hard for half the results.
One explanation is that white people still feel guilty over slavery, colonialism, and the crusades, so passing is a way to make up for it. But more important, it makes them feel good to help others.
When you are a captain at a pick-up basketball game and you want to take a lot of shots, it’s a good idea to pick a white guy.
5 Farmer’s Markets
White people are drawn to farmer’s markets like moths to a flame. In fact, white people have such strong instincts that if you release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to you with a reusable bag full of fruits and vegetables.
White people like farmer’s markets for a number of reasons. The first is their undying need to support local economies and small businesses; the idea of buying direct from the farmer helps them assuage the fears instilled in them by reading Fast Food Nation (and yes, every