Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [10]
28 Not Having a TV
The number-one reason white people like not having a TV is so that they can tell you that they don’t have a TV.
On those lonely nights when white people wish they could be watching American Idol, Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, they comfort themselves by thinking of how when people talk about the show tomorrow they can say, “I didn’t see it, I don’t have a TV. That stuff rots your brain.” It is effective in making other white people feel bad, and making themselves feel good about their life and life choices.
These people often fill their time by talking to other friends who don’t watch TV about how they don’t watch TV, looking at leaves, cooking, reading books about left-wing politics, and going to concerts/protests/poetry slams.
Generally, this makes them very boring and gives you very little to talk to them about. It’s important that you never suggest they are making a mistake or that there is value to owning a TV. You should just try to steer the conversation to allow them to talk about how they are better than you.
29 ’80s Night
If you ever find yourself wanting to take your relationship with white people to the next level, one of the best places to meet a potential partner is at any ’80s-night event in your local city.
White people cannot get enough of ’80s music, partly out of nostalgia and partly since it was the last time that pop music wasn’t infused with hip-hop or R ’n’ B stylings. Artists like Joy Division, New Order, and Elvis Costello were all pretty well respected and had solid runs at the charts. Also, less respected artists like Wham, Rick Astley, and Cameo are still easy for white people to dance to.
If you are in a social situation and wish to turn it into one more conducive for romance, you should always ask, “Does anyone know a club with a good ’80s night?” at which point you will be flooded with suggestions and invitations to dance to Debbie Gibson songs.
30 Wrigley Field
One of the best things someone can do to gain the respect and trust of a white person is to attend a baseball game with them at Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. In addition to being one of the favorite baseball teams of white people (after the Boston Red Sox), the stadium is viewed as a must visit for virtually all white people regardless of their concern for the actual Cubs.
There are rumors that Wrigley Field is like that device in The Fly that turned Jeff Goldblum into a bug, except that instead of turning a human into an insect, it can turn nonwhite people into white people. The best evidence of this comes from the ’80s TV show Perfect Strangers, in which the foreigner Balki Bartokomous needed only to attend one game at the famed field to join his cousin Larry as a white person.
So why do white people love it so much? The biggest reason is that white people love historical buildings. This is because they are reminded of the olden days, when everything was made out of brick and ethnic mothers yelled out windows at their children to stop playing stickball and come in for dinner. Wrigley is a reminder of days gone by, although it is unwise to point out that white people are being nostalgic for an era when baseball was only played by white people. It will make them feel sad and will likely ruin their expensive “bleacher” seats.
White people also enjoy the neighborhood around Wrigley Field, as it is filled with old houses, “character,” and white people. This cannot be understated, as the Chicago White Sox used to play in the oldest stadium in the league, but because of its location on the South Side, it didn’t have quite the same appeal to generations of white college students.
A trip to Wrigley Field with a white person can be the final piece in the friendship puzzle. Be sure to bring