Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [11]
31 Snowboarding
During the winter months, one of the favorite leisure activities of white people is snowboarding. The sport was invented in the ’80s when a group of white people took a single ski, made it wider, and turned it sideways.
Like all other popular white activities, snowboarding requires the purchase of a lot of very expensive equipment and activity-specific clothing. Assuming that you can wear any winter jacket when you go snowboarding is a common mistake that can lead to wealthy white children laughing at you from the chairlift.
To properly snowboard, you are expected to purchase an oversized brand-name jacket and baggy snow pants. These will not be cheap. Remember, you are rebelling against the conformity of skiing, and the best way to do it is to dress exactly like everyone else.
The sport is also essential to older white people who need to show their other old white friends that they are cool.
Now that you have spent almost $2,000 for equipment and clothing, you will have to pay upwards of $80 for a lift ticket. Then, following a morning of falling down, you can replenish your energy by purchasing a $14 hamburger at the snack bar. If you are lucky enough to live within a reasonable driving distance of the resort, your final expense will be fuel costs to return home. Otherwise you can expect to pay a few hundred dollars for a room near the mountain.
In other words, a white invitation to go snowboarding is like them handing you a bill for three grand. The best response to one of these invitations is to say that you will accompany them to the mountain when a nonwhite person wins the X Games or a gold medal in the Winter Olympics.
32 Veganism/Vegetarianism
As with many white-people activities, being vegan/vegetarian enables them to feel as though they are helping the environment and it gives them a sweet way to feel superior to others. For further evidence, note how the vegetarian world has increasing levels of extremism (no meat, no dairy, no eggs, no fish, nothing that has been cooked, etc.).
Much like not watching TV, being vegan/vegetarian makes white people pretty hard to deal with on a day-to-day basis—having dinner, going to restaurants, and having them over to watch political debates all become major challenges as white people will talk about how they cannot eat anything and would rather that the meat and cheese be thrown in the garbage than put into their bodies.
But wait, aren’t there white people who eat organic, grain-fed, free-range cattle and chicken? Yes, but these white people are racked with guilt knowing that they are still eating a dead animal, contributing to rainforest deforestation and global warming.
Whether you are dealing with a meat eater or a vegan/vegetarian, there are many ways to use this information to your advantage. If you require a favor from a vegetarian white person, you should invite them to dinner with your family. When your mother/ grandmother offers them a dish with meat in it, they will reject it, saying that they are vegetarian. When the meal is over, tell them that your mom is very embarrassed, and that in your culture rejecting food is the equivalent of spitting on someone’s grave. They will then owe you a favor, which can be called in when you need a trip to the airport, someone to help you move, a small interest-free loan, or a place for your friend to crash.
If you need to gain leverage with meat eaters, it’s pretty easy. They already feel guilty; just point it out.
33 Marijuana
People from many cultures (Southeast Asia, Jamaica, India, Morocco, Mexico, etc.) like marijuana, but white people take it to an entirely new level.
To simply purchase, roll, and smoke marijuana is not enough for white people. They need to make sure they know all the different strains, cultivation techniques, and methods for smoking it. They even have an entire magazine devoted to it, one that actually has center-folds of plants that people have grown.
White people are also willing to spend more