Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [12]
It is worth noting that every white person, at some point, has written a high school or college paper about the history of how the DuPont company helped make weed illegal. This paper also teaches about how hemp can be used to fuel cars, make clothing, create food, cure cancer, and solve every single problem on earth.
While you would assume that most white people smoke weed between the ages of 14 and 28 (and act as though they are the first generation to have done so), the reality is that white people smoke weed well into old age. They also smoke weed with their kids! This is not a joke. White people love weed so much that they consider it a “gift” to share with their kids. This has led to a generation that was not allowed to watch Power Rangers but was allowed to toke up.
All white people believe marijuana should be legalized, and they consider the Netherlands a pinnacle of enlightenment. Also, every white person has had their most profound weed-smoking experience in Amsterdam, so it’s a good idea to fabricate a story about your own experience there so you can quickly forge a bond. Traditional tales use the following words: hostel, brownie, girl/guy from Hungary, crazy, locked out, chill dudes from Ireland.
Under no circumstances should you ever imply that people just smoke weed to get high (they do it for medical/spiritual/social reasons, etc.), or that there are any negative consequences. This will likely alienate you from white people.
On the plus side, white people are always looking for higher-quality, more potent, more organic marijuana. If you promise to hook them up with a special selection from your home country, they will likely pay a high premium.
34 Architecture
If you ask white people what they love about cities they don’t live in, they will say “restaurants,” “culture,” and “architecture.” They just can’t get enough of old buildings or ultramodern buildings next to old buildings.
If you want to fit in with white people you need to learn about I. M. Pei, Frank Lloyd Wright, Frank Gehry, and a whole swath of others. Also, be prepared to say “Bauhaus” a lot.
Once you have the basics down, you should choose a city that people are unlikely to have visited, then make up a name and choose one of the following: (a) opera house, (b) museum, (c) city hall, (d) civic center. Then put it all together into something like this: “Gehry is good, but I’m much more into the work of D. F. Winterhausen. He designed the new opera house in Podgorica.” Wait for a beat and then say, “In Montenegro. Have you never been?” The white person will be left in stunned silence, reverence, and respect.
The reason white people love architecture so much is that deep down they believe they could have been great architects. They feel the same way about other professions, including professor, writer, and politician.
Also of note: White people love big books about architecture. So if you need to get one a gift, this always goes over well because it makes them feel smart without having to read too much.
35 The Daily Show with Jon Stewart / The Colbert Report
The Daily Show/Colbert Report are held in such high regard by white people that to criticize them would be the equivalent of setting the pope on fire in Italy in 1822. It just isn’t done; in fact, it couldn’t even be considered!
White people love to make fun of politics, especially right-wing politics. It’s a pretty easy target and makes for some decent humor. But what’s interesting is that white people are actually starting to believe that these two shows are legitimate news sources. “Oh, I don’t watch the news,” they will say. “I watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. You know, studies show that viewers of those shows are more educated than people who watch Fox News or CNN.”
White women all consider Jon Stewart to be the most perfect man on the planet. This is not a debate, it is law.
The Daily Show also features guests like John McCain, writers, policy analysts, and