Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [13]
Take note that Tuesday through Friday during the working week, you can break all awkward silences with white people by saying, “Did you see The Daily Show/Colbert Report last night?” At which point they will start talking until you are ready to move on to more interesting activities.
36 Brunch
When Loverboy sang “Everybody’s working for the weekend,” they meant that you work all week so that you can earn a break and go to some sweet bars or concerts and rock out as hard as possible because you have two days for the hangover to fix itself. Well, white people work for the weekend, except that their only goal is to eat brunch on Saturday or Sunday at one of their favorite breakfast places.
These places are restaurants that specialize in breakfast food and are usually only open from 8:00 A.M. to 2:00 P.M., and if you arrive at any time after 9:30, prepare to wait for up to an hour with white people who cannot wait to get vegan pancakes, eggs benedict, waffles, or deluxe French toast.
To a white person, there is no better way to spend a Saturday morning than to get up late, around 9:30, pile into the Audi or Volvo, and drive to one of these little places and eat brunch with friends. Often these brunches last for an hour or more (hence the long lines and wait times). Some white people take it to the next level and bring their dog, a newspaper, or even a laptop.
If you plan on dealing with white people, it will serve you well to know some local brunch places. This will also come in handy if you pick someone up at ’80s night. In white-person law, if you meet someone at ’80s night and then go out for brunch the next morning, you are automatically in a relationship. There are no exceptions.
37 Renovations
All white people are born with a singular mission in life in order to pass from regular whitehood into ultra-whitehood. Just as Muslims have to visit Mecca, all white people must eventually renovate a house before they can be complete.
Of course, most white people do not reach this goal until they are 35 or older. But the need to do it is as instinctual as walking. But it is important to note that white people have little or no interest in renovating a suburban home built after 1960 (except in Southern California). All white people dream about buying an older property (“with character”) in a city, and then renovating it so the insides look all modern, with a stainless-steel fridge.
Though the seed is planted from birth, it really starts to grow when renovations take place in a family home during childhood. They don’t understand why there are so many men with mustaches in their kitchen, but they know that the men will be gone in a few weeks, leaving behind a nicer kitchen and a happier mommy/daddy/life partner of parent.
Please note that all white people went through a renovation when they were kids. This is a good subject to bond over, perhaps with a story about how you were embarrassed at a sleepover when a friend went to the bathroom and there was a contractor on the toilet. Embellish as necessary.
38 Arrested Development
Even though most white people prefer to say that they don’t watch TV, one thing they agree on is that Arrested Development was the best show ever. They love it so much!
They love it for a number of reasons. First, since the show was canceled before it jumped the shark, it’s effectively like a rocker who dies at 27. Also, the show got terrible ratings, meaning that it wasn’t “mainstream,” which makes white people love it universally. Other examples of shows like this are Twin Peaks and The Ben Stiller Show.
They also love it because the show likes to make references to popular culture, and if there is one thing that white people love, it’s cultural references that they understand (see Garden State, The Onion, and Juno for examples).
If you are ever at a white person’s house and you