Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [14]
Also of note: The hip-hop group Arrested Development is also loved by white people.
39 Netflix
We all know white people love film festivals, but what about movies that don’t make it to a film festival, or weren’t in the local film festival? How do you get access? Thankfully, white people have Netflix.
If you don’t know, Netflix sends you DVDs in the mail, and you get new ones when you send the old ones back.
White people are absolutely crazy for Netflix because all of them are convinced that there is a global conspiracy to keep good, independent, ground-breaking films from mainstream distribution (multiplexes, Blockbuster, etc.). To them, Netflix (in spite of being a for-profit company) is a brand-new way for independent filmmakers to find an audience. By subscribing, white people believe that they are changing the film industry, supporting innovation, and contributing to a cultural revolution in film.
If you see a group of white people and you need to break into the conversation, a good thing to say is “Hey, is anyone else thinking that Netflix shipping is getting slower? I’m doing this P. T. Anderson thing, and I’m only up to Magnolia! What’s that all about?” They will relate, and talk about their own Netflix queues and how they are trying to get caught up on French New Wave.
* * *
Typical White-Person DVD Rack
Mulholland Dr. “Lynch at his finest. It took me awhile to figure this one out. I have a theory…but it would take me about an hour to explain it.”
Donnie Darko “The most underrated film of all time."
Rashomon “Oh, you liked Run Lola Run? Watch this one first. Kurosawa is God.”
Sixteen Candles “If you don’t love John Hughes, I don’t want to know you.”
Pulp Fiction “I saw this in theaters three times. It made me want to be a filmmaker.”
Clerks “Did you know the rights to the songs cost more than the film?” (White people love movie trivia.)
Juno “The character of Juno reminds me of me.”
Fight Club “I’m amazed this film was done by a big studio.”
Memento “I love the play on traditional narrative.”
Apocalypse Now “I read Heart of Darkness by Conrad before watching this film.”
Garden State “Portman, great soundtrack, a real message? Sign me up.”
A Clockwork Orange “Kubrick’s masterpiece is as true today as it was back then. Ahead of his time.”
Monty Python and the Holy Grail “You should watch this with me sometime, I can recite the whole thing. Word for word!”
* * *
40 Apple Products
It is surprising that it took all the way to #40 to call out Apple products. Truthfully, it might be more productive to devote the entire 40s to the various Apple products that integrate into a white person’s life.
Plain and simple, white people don’t just like Apple, they love Apple and need it to operate.
On the surface, you would ask yourself how white people could love a multibillion-dollar company with manufacturing plants in China and mass production, and that contributes to global pollution through the manufacture of consumer electronic devices. The simple answer: Apple products tell the world you are creative and unique. They are an exclusive product line only used by every white college student, designer, writer, English teacher, and hipster on the planet.
You see, a long time ago Macs were superpopular among layout artists and graphic designers. Then Apple released Final Cut Pro, and it became the standard for film editors. As a result, lots of creative industries used Apple computers instead of PCs. Eventually, people started making the connection, and all of a sudden all white people need to have a Mac.
When you ask white people about Macs they will say, “Oh, it’s so much better than Windows,” “It’s just easier to use,” “They are so cutting edge,” and so forth. What’s amazing is that white people need to meet people who use Windows to justify themselves