Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [15]
It is also important that white people are reminded of their creativity; remember, you need a Mac to creatively check email, creatively check websites, and creatively watch DVDs on planes.
White people also need iPods, iPhones, Apple TV, AirPort, and anything else that Apple will produce, because they need to express their uniqueness by purchasing everything that a publicly traded company produces.
Apple products also come with stickers. Some people put them on their computers, some people put them on windows, but to take this to the pinnacle of whiteness, you need to put the Apple sticker in the rear window of your Prius, Jetta, BMW, Subaru 4WD station wagon, or Audi. You then need to drive to a local coffeeshop (Starbucks will do in a pinch) and set up your Apple for the world to see. Thankfully, the Apple logo on the back will light up! So even in a dark place, people can see how unique and creative you (and the five other people next to you doing the exact same thing) truly are!
Knowledge of Apple products can be useful in a number of social situations. If you see a white person with a Mac, an easy way to approach them is to say, “Is that a Powerbook? What OS do you have?” They will happily start talking to you, and after the requisite five minutes you can invite them to a screening of a documentary.
41 Indie Music
If you want to understand white people, you need to understand indie music. As mentioned before, white people hate anything that’s “mainstream” and are desperate to find things that are more genuine, unique, and reflective of their experiences.
Fortunately, they have independent music.
A white person’s iPod (formerly CD collection) is not merely an assemblage of music that they enjoy. It is what defines them as a person. They are always on the lookout for the latest hot band that no one has heard of, so that one day they can hit it just right and be into a band before it is featured in an Apple commercial. To a white person, being a fan of a band before it gets popular is one of the most important things they can do with their life. They can hold it over their friends forever!
Indie music also produces a lot of concerts, at which white people can meet other white people. Concerts are useful, because if white people are attending the same concert, it means they both like the artist and can easily strike up a conversation that will flow from band at the show other bands they like where they went to/go to school where to get the best vegan food in town agreement to meet at said restaurant for awkward date.
It is worth noting that white people are expected to stay current with music and go to concerts well into their forties. Unlike at dance or hip-hop clubs, there are few stigmas attached to being the “old guy at the club.”
WARNING: Indie music is perhaps the most dangerous subject you can discuss with white people. One false move and you will lose their respect and admiration forever. Here are some general rules:
• Bands that have had their songs in an Apple ad are still marginally acceptable.
• Bands that have had their songs in ads for other companies are not acceptable.
• If you mention a band you like and the other person has heard of it, you lose. They own you. It is essential that you like the most obscure music possible.
Remember, popular artists can turn unpopular in a heartbeat (Ryan Adams, Bright Eyes, the Strokes), so you would be best to stick to the following statements: “I love Arcade Fire” “I still think the Montreal scene is the best in the world” “I would die without Stereogum or Fluxblog”*1; and “Joanna Newsom is maybe the most original artist today.”
42 Sushi
Regardless of whether they are vegetarian, vegan, or just guilty about eating meat, all white people love sushi. To them, it’s everything they want: foreign culture, expensive, healthy, and hated by the “uneducated.”
But there are different levels of white-person sushi love. At the bottom are the spicy tuna/California roll eaters. These