Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [16]
The next level up is the entry-level sushi snob. These are people who still love rolls but are willing to branch out to salmon and tuna sashimi, maybe even eel.
Finally, you have the white sushi snob. These people just take it all way too far. Often they will sit only at the sushi bar, will try to order in Japanese, and will only order the omakase. These people will often be extremely critical of anyone who eats a roll of any type or does not properly flip the nigiri into his mouth.
When white people get sushi, they all want to order sake to complete the authentic experience.
So how can this information be turned into personal gain?
White people are obsessed with finding good sushi; therefore, if you offer to take them to “the best sushi place” in town, you are sure to have them accept. If you are an Asian man, this is an almost no-fail method of getting dates with white girls, and maybe, just maybe, joining Bruce Lee and Paul Kariya’s dad.
In addition, going out for sushi is considered a special evening in white-person culture. Not as special as brunch, but still, it comes with expectations.
But what if the person you are interested in is a vegetarian? Not a problem. For some reason, most white people who say they are vegetarians will eat sushi. Apparently, fish aren’t cute enough to warrant inclusion with pigs, chickens, and cows.
43 Plays
While white people certainly love “the cinema,” they are required to balance their interest in film with an interest in live theater, most notably, plays.
In spite of plays having minimal sets, no special effects, an intermission, and a higher admission price, white people believe that live theater is essential to any cultured city. It is not known if white people actually enjoy plays or if they are just victims of massive peer pressure from the 75 percent of white people who have acted in a play at some point in their life.
The only real advice around this subject is to never accept an invitation from a white person to go see a play. Often you will be supporting their friend or cousin and then get stuck with a $45 ticket (at least) and three hours of trying to figure how close you are to the end.
44 Public Radio
The lack of a television has left many white people without viable entertainment, and as much as they would like to believe that they can read books during every moment of their free time, it’s simply not possible. They need something to fill the gap and provide background noise while they play on the Internet. They need public radio.
Public radio provides white people with news and information that has the proper perspective (their own). It is very important for white people to have a news source that isn’t tied to profits or major corporations; public radio has the freedom to pursue hard-hitting stories and provide the only truly objective voice in the national media. Because if a news outlet were to depend on one source for their funding, it would have to constantly produce stories that interest and reassure that group, thus making it almost worthless to people outside of that group. You are probably thinking, “Wait a second, doesn’t public radio get most of its money through donations by white people?” If so, you are right, and while this sort of explains NPR’s programming choices, political bias, and staff, it’s not a good idea to point it out to white people.
But not everything is political. Public radio also features This American Life, hosted by Ira Glass. For white women without a television, he is considered the ideal man (ahead of Jon Stewart). The program features a collection of white people doing stories about minorities and the wrong kind of white people. It is very entertaining and is the safest and easiest way for white people to learn about these groups.
There are many other shows, and literally anything you hear is an appropriate