Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [17]
Overall, the lesson here is that if you want your time with white people to go smoothly, there are few things you can do that are more effective than listening to public radio.
45 Asian Fusion Food
In much the same way white people often believe that adding truffle oil to something will always make it better, there is a long-standing belief that adding “Asian” to anything is an improvement. The most popular things for white people to infuse with “Asian influence” are furniture, film, animation, interior design, personal style, children, and perhaps most important, food.
It is true that many white people demand especially authentic Asian food and will often seek out the most authentic experiences. However, these restaurants generally do not feature staff who understand the question “Yes, but did you use these same pots to cook any meat? You see, I’m vegan, and I cannot eat any vegetables that were prepared in pots that have been used to cook meat.”
An Asian fusion restaurant is a fantastic compromise where white people can use chopsticks and get definitive answers about the use of gluten in the food, all while being surrounded by modern black furniture and Asian-inspired art.
With their beautiful wait staff, décor, and trendy music, these restaurants are the equivalent of a white guy with an Asian girlfriend and a Chinese or Japanese character tattoo that says “truth.”
The bar at an Asian fusion restaurant will also feature a full list of drinks that are made with exotic Asian liquors like soju. White people cannot resist the opportunity to prove to their friends that they are not only wine experts, but true connoisseurs of sake. If you need to gain their trust, ask for a recommended drink—they will love it.
Because of their high cost and small portions, these locations are best used for formal dinners. As such, if a white person invites you to one, it can be appropriately interpreted as a romantic gesture.
46 The Sunday New York Times
Mornings are exceptionally important to white people, as witnessed by their love of brunch places. However, some white people never go out for breakfast on a Sunday morning. The reason? The Sunday edition of The New York Times.
A perfect white Sunday generally works like this: Wake up at around 8:45; if the paper has been delivered, retrieve the paper and begin a pot of coffee. If the paper has not been delivered, a white person will go out and usually buy the supplies needed for breakfast—bagels, orange juice, lox, cream cheese, or waffle mix. Some white people even pick up freshly brewed coffee with the paper!
Once coffee, food, and the newspaper have been procured, white people put on extra-mellow music (jazz, classical, or, for the cooler ones, ambient trip-hop or something along those lines). They then proceed to read each section of the paper, stopping periodically to tell their partner about the interesting news they have just seen. “Looks like another civil war might break out in Africa” “Did you see that the Met is doing Tristan and Isolde?”
White couples usually fight over who gets to read the Sunday Magazine first. How do we know this? They will tell us repeatedly about how they always fight over the Sunday Magazine.
But note well that the sports section will always remain perfectly creased and unread, unless they have a teenage son. So on Monday morning, if you need to impress your co-workers, choose to talk about something you read in the Book Review, the Magazine, or Sunday Styles.
All white people are expected to read the Sunday Times. You are given an exemption during your early college years, but by age 22 it is pretty much law.
47 Liberal Arts Degrees
When white people go to college, they