Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [18]
These degrees enable white people to spend four years of their lives reading books, writing papers, and feeling great about themselves. It is a known fact that Liberal Arts students firmly believe that they are doing you/society a favor by reading Proust and not getting a job. They then protest for reduced tuition, more money for the arts, and special reduced student rates on things like bus passes.
But what about the white people who study Science, Engineering, and Business? Unless they become doctors, they essentially lose white-person status (which can be regained only by working at a nonprofit).
So why would white people spend all that time studying and working to get into college if they are just going to read books that they might have read in their free time? Because white people have it made. They can take that degree and easily parlay it into a job at a nonprofit, in an art gallery, or in publishing. If the pay is low, no problem—their parents will happily help out with rent until they magically start making six figures or nonmagically turn 40.
White people can also take that degree and go to graduate school, and eventually become professors or adjunct professors. They will still require parental support. If they are really ambitious and need to make money, they can take that degree and go to law school.
But the real reason white people need these degrees is so that they can sound smart at parties. Of course, it trickles down to making connections, getting hired, knowing rich people, and so forth. But ultimately it all begins by saying, “Reading Henry James was the most rewarding part of undergrad.”
Using this to your advantage can be very difficult as attempts to talk about the books they skimmed while hungover can mate them hate you for exposing them. It is best to say that you were a first-generation college student and your parents demanded that you study math, chemistry, economics, or computer science. You had to read Joyce on your own.
48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops
White people need organic food to survive, and where they purchase this food is as important as what they buy. In the community, Whole Foods stores have replaced churches and cathedrals as the most important and relevant buildings in society. There are some regions that do not have Whole Foods but do have an abundance of white people (college towns). In these situations Whole Foods can be substituted with a local co-op grocery store.
All of these stores are pretty much the same: lots of vegetables, grainfed free-range meat and eggs, and soy everything. They are also characterized by an outrageously large section of vitamins, supplements, and natural oils. There are natural, handmade soaps that give these stores a distinct identical smell.
Many white people consider shopping at Whole Foods to be a religious experience, one that allows them to feel good about their consumption, with the use of paper bags and biodegradable packaging. The numerous pamphlets outlining the company’s policy on hormones, genetically modified food, and energy savings belie the fact that Whole Foods is a profit-driven, publicly traded corporation that has wisely discovered that making white people feel good about buying stuff is outrageously profitable.
As you walk through a Whole Foods or co-op you will see white people pushing carts, buying things like flaxseed oil, wine, tofu versions of meat, and organic kohlrabi. These stores also provide prepared foods, which single white people often purchase to avoid cooking. This is important information,