Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [19]
These stores are excellent places for taking children, as there is nothing that they actually want.
“Oh, Mommy, look, chocolate!”
“No, Joshua, that’s carob.”
“I want it.”
“OK.”
The child will then take a bite and realize that nothing in the store can be trusted.
49 Vintage
The love affair between white people and old stuff goes back literally hundreds of years. In the older days it was almost exclusively contained within the realm of furniture. However, while white people still love antiques, these don’t always fit so well with a modern lifestyle and kitchen.
Beginning in their late teens, white people begin an obsession with finding cool vintage clothing at local thrift shops and Goodwill stores. Making purchases at these locations helps to meet a number of white-person needs.
First, it allows them to say, “Oh, this? I got this shirt at Goodwill for three dollars.” This statement focuses the attention on the shirt, taking attention away from the $350 jeans and $200 shoes. The white person can then retain that precious “indie” cred.
Second, it allows a white person to have something that other white people don’t. This is an important consideration when trying to determine the worth and ranking of white people.
As white people get older, and the opportunities to wear a “Pittsburgh Special Olympics ’76” T-shirt diminish, they must move their vintage fetish from clothes to furniture and knickknacks. Often the only thing that a post-30 white person can hang on to is furniture. The mention of a “vintage stove” or “vintage card catalog” can send their imagination racing about how to incorporate it into their current home decor. By having at least one unique vintage piece of furniture in a room full of IKEA, white people can still tell themselves that they are unique and cooler than their friends.
When you enter a white person’s home, you should immediately search for anything not made by IKEA, Crate & Barrel, or Anthropologie. Upon finding such an item, you should ask, “Where did you get that? It’s really cool.” The white person will then tell you a story about how they acquired it, allowing them to feel cool and reminding them that they have fantastic taste.
50 Irony
White people hate a lot of stuff (Republicans, TV, Vin Diesel movies, SUVs, fast food), but every once in a while they turn that hate into sweet irony.
White people will often make a joke about how hard it is to define irony. It’s not that funny, and back in the ’90s people got all upset at Alanis Morissette for using the term improperly in her song “Isn’t It Ironic?” But the reason that white people love irony is that it lets them have some fun and feel better about themselves.
The most horrific recent example is trucker hats, which shockingly went from mainstream in the ’80s to ironic in the early 2000s and then almost immediately back to mainstream. So now the hats are not rare or unique in any way. Once something reaches this stage, irony cannot be restored for a decade.
Other examples would include white people getting together to have a “white trash” night, where they will eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, drink Bud Light, and watch Larry the Cable Guy or The Marine, or maybe listen to Kid Rock or P.O.D. These events allow white people to experience things they are supposed to hate, all while feeling better about their own lives, decisions, and cultured tastes.
Occasionally, white people will put an ironic knickknack in their home or apartment such as a “Support Our Troops” magnet or a bottle of Mickey’s.
This can be used to your advantage. If you need to appear cool to white people, you just need to pick something that was popular ten-plus years ago and put it in a prominent place at your desk or in your home. A C+C Music Factory cassette and a “2 Legit 2 Quit” T-shirt would be good examples.
Also, you might find yourself in a conversation where you mention that you like something, and there is an awkward silence indicating that it is not cool. In this situation,