Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [20]
51 Living by the Water
It is hardly a secret that all white people love being near water. And why wouldn’t they? It provides so many of the activities that they love—swimming, kayaking, canoeing, sailing—and it’s a perfect place to read.
Before we move on, let’s not gloss over that last point. White people love to be near a body of water so they can read a book while sitting nearby. The process of reading is somehow heightened through the process of doing it near water. Extreme reading!
When you think long-term, it’s important to realize that all white people own/wish to own/plan to own/will own some sort of property near a body of water. Rather than say all white people want to live on the ocean, it’s important to break it down across the regions.
On the West Coast, all white people want to live as close to the beach as possible. One look at the demographics for Manhattan Beach, Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach, Newport Beach, and Laguna Beach will reveal this fact through tangible numbers.
On the East Coast, many white people dream of owning oceanfront property in New England, where they can make their lives as close as possible to a J. Crew catalog.
And in the landlocked states, the dream of lakefront property is alive and well.
White people will often purchase second homes near water if they cannot accommodate the dream in their own city. Usually they want it to be within driving distance, but the need for life near water is so great that they will even consider buying in other countries.
To white people, a view of water from the house is their greatest achievement in life. And you should remember this when discussing your hopes and dreams with them. It is also important that you choose a water sport (swimming, fishing, kayaking, etc.) that you pretend to like. That way, you can talk about how, when you move to your water-front property, you can just wake up in the morning and [insert water-based activity], right out of your front door.
Mountain views are also acceptable, but are generally seen as a poor substitute.
52 Sarah Silverman
White people love to laugh, so it’s no surprise that some of the funniest people in the world are white! But do not believe that white people find all types of humor funny. BET Comic View, for example, is not considered funny and white people generally get little to no enjoyment out of the program.
The easiest way to find out if comedians are approved by white people is to see if they get mentioned on music blogs or have ever given an interview in which they talked about how much they love the Magnetic Fields, Of Montreal, or the Shins. But this does not guarantee white-person acceptance.
If the topic of comedy comes up, the best thing to do is talk about how much you love Sarah Silverman. White people can’t get enough of her! Her whole shtick is saying really offensive things! But it’s OK, because she’s pretty and has a small voice, so it all sounds so cute! Get it? It’s not offensive, because she says racist or sexist things that she knows are offensive. So it’s OK.
Much as white women will say that Jon Stewart is their perfect man, it is fully acceptable and encouraged for white men to say that Sarah Silverman is their perfect woman.
Sarah Silverman is also considered an “alternative comic,” which essentially means she is universally loved by white people, but not enough to be a movie star.
Other acceptable “alternative” comedians: David Cross and the Comedians of Comedy (Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Zach Galifianakis, and Maria Bamford). Also, white people will say they love any comedian who shares your ethnicity. For example, if you are Korean, watch how many times white people tell you how much they like Margaret Cho.
WARNING: Under no circumstances should you ever list Dane Cook as your favorite comedian. The wrong kind of white people like him. And mentioning him