Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [21]
53 Dogs
A lot of cultures love dogs, be they for entertainment, labor, or food. But white people love dogs on an entirely different level.
It should be understood that in white culture, dogs are considered training for having children. All white couples must get a dog before having kids. This will prepare them for responsibility by having another creature to feed, love, and toilet train. Because of this, white people generally assume that their dog is their favorite child unless otherwise stated.
When actual children are born, the dog is not displaced but rather remains as the most important member of the household. This is because of the fact that white children will eventually hate their parents, but dogs will love anyone who feeds them.
White people generally believe that dogs have human emotions and that they are capable of loving certain TV shows, films, and music. “Buster just loves watching Six Feet Under!”—even though most dogs would enjoy watching Hitler if they got attention every time he was on TV. They also believe that their dogs share similar tastes in food—“Little Ben Kweller likes the organic food the best”—forgetting the fact that dogs enjoy eating their own feces, as well as pretty much anything that falls onto the floor.
When searching for homes, many white people will require large yards so that their “dog can run around.” If you work in real estate, this can be exploited for large markups when selling to white people.
It is also a proven fact that dogs are often used by white people to attract members of the opposite sex. Bringing a puppy or dog to a local dog park will encourage interaction and conversation. Even more so than a Mac laptop.
If white people talk about their dogs it is essential you reassure them that their dogs are absolutely special and unique. Furiously agree that treating dogs like children is the only way to care for a pet. Under no circumstances should you ever say anything that is derogatory toward dogs, critical of spoiling dogs, or implies that dogs are not full members of society who deserve the same rights as humans. Doing any of these three things will completely destroy your relationships.
54 Kitchen Gadgets
White people are under a lot of pressure to enjoy cooking. Everything in their culture tells them that they need to have nice kitchens and that they need to cook with organic, fresh ingredients to make delicious, complicated food. Though any great chef can prepare fantastic meals with a knife and a few pots, white people believe they need a full cadre of appliances and gadgets in their kitchens in order to live up to expectations.
If you go into a white person’s kitchen you will find a waffle maker, a rice cooker, a steamer, a food processor, a panini press, and a blender. There will also be hand-powered devices like flour sifters, ravioli crimpers, pizza cutters, potato ricers, and a sushi mat.
But in order to truly enter into whitedom they need to own the holy grail of white kitchens—the KitchenAid stand mixer. They will match this mixer to their kitchen’s color scheme and it will make up the focal point. And much like many religious artifacts, it will remain untouched for months and even years, sitting on the counter to be admired as a testament to their lifestyle.
Kitchen gadgets also serve as one of the main reasons why white people get married. Look at their registry and you will find products for any possible kitchen task. If you end up buying one of these for a white person, your card should mention the beautiful food that you hope you can eat together one day. This kind of stuff goes over like gangbusters.
If you find yourself locked in a conversation about kitchen gadgets, a good way to say a little but mean a lot is to mention, “I find the consumer models to be poorly built, but my friend, a chef, brings me with him to a restaurant supply shop that’s not open to the public. The stuff there is high quality. It’s where I get all my pans.”
If this is too big a risk, you should