Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [22]
55 Apologies
White people know that their ancestors did some messed-up things. As a result, it has become hardwired for them to apologize for almost anything.
In fact, white people are so used to apologizing that they start all sentences that might cause disagreement with “I’m sorry.” For example, “I’m sorry, but Garden State was a better film than Hard Eight.” In other cases, white people will apologize without being asked.
“Excuse me, Dylan. You dropped a piece of paper in front of my desk.”
“Oh, sorry about that!”
It’s just that easy! Just point it out and they’ll apologize.
Sometimes if you are out late at night and a white person irritates someone at a nightclub or a bar, the first thing they will do is apologize in rapid-fire mode in hopes it will stop them from getting their ass kicked. This technique has a surprisingly high success rate, as the aggressor immediately knows that fighting this person will be very easy and provide little satisfaction.
56 Lawyers
To understand why so many white people become lawyers, it is essential to understand the story and conflict behind every decision to enter law school.
When white people reach the final year of their arts degree they are faced with a horrible realization: their degree is worthless. This realization is especially harsh since most white people have spent the previous three years assuming that they would be immediately offered a six-figure job as a travel writer or film executive upon graduation. They soon realize that there are thousands of other white people moving to San Francisco and New York searching for work in publishing, other media, and the nonprofit sector.
As if this wasn’t enough of an insult, white people also learn that the salaries in these fields are not enough to support a white lifestyle. Organic food, trips to India, Priuses, microbrews, modern furniture, and condominiums are all very expensive and very essential to white people.
Without a trust fund, many white people are forced to figure out how they can somehow take their lemon of a degree and turn it into highly profitable lemonade. It does not take very long before they realize that law school is the answer to all their problems.
By attending law school, white people are able to make six figures without having to do math. They can also spend three more years in school and eventually move to a city of their choosing, where they will be greeted with a job and a standing invitation to drink with colleagues at a bar.
The latter is especially important, since TV and film have created a common white fantasy of being a lawyer, working late, then meeting friends at a bar where men have loosened their ties and women have opened a few buttons on their shirts. After drinking, they return home to a loft or modern condo, where they pour another drink before falling asleep.
Of course, this fantasy and career path only describes white people who are looking for respect, profit, and upward social mobility. They are regarded as some of the top people in white culture, but they can be trumped. If you are talking to a group of white people who are in or are planning to go to law school, it is important that you say, “I’m going to law school but I don’t want to be a lawyer.”
Not only does this prove that they are smart enough to go to law school, but it shows that they are motivated by more than just the crass pursuit of money. If you can follow it up by saying you plan to use your degree to help artists or poor people, you win.
57 Documentaries
It is a confirmed fact that white people make up the overwhelming majority of both documentary film makers and viewers. They just can’t get enough!
Within white culture the words “documentary filmmaker” are code for “unemployed.” With few deadlines and virtually no budget pressures, documentary filmmakers are able to spend